I have a confession. Hi, I'm Angel and I'm addicted to Tootsie Pops. I'm serious, y'all. I have candy containers in EVERY room of the house with nothing but Tootsie Pops. You will never find me without one. At this moment, it's grape; but my faves are cherry and orange. And I absolutely detest the chocolate ones. C'mon, what's with that? There's already chocolate in the middle, they're just being lazy. And redundant. I hate redundancy; it's so repetitive.
These little babies have 60 calories per pop. Not your best snacking choice since they also have NO nutritional value whatsoever. So if you have a 5-6 pop a day addiction like yours truly, that's 360 empty calories sucked down. Literally. But if you compare it to the more evil members of the Candy World, like say Snickers at 273 calories, they really aren't that bad. Right? They are my little 60 calorie food guards, keeping me from snacking on way worse foods. (Someday I'll tell y'all about the Great Puddin Cup Massacre of '09.)
So what brought on this little confession? Jeans. The dreaded, hated, bane of (most) middle aged women's existences. New jeans. I bought a couple of pairs Friday and just broke them out today. Now another tangent. I hate clothes shopping. Loathe it. Would rather have anesthesia-free root canal than go clothes shopping. If I can't buy it online, I'll go in, grab it off the rack or shelf, pay for it and I'm done. Do NOT ever suggest trying it on. I will kill you. Dead. Revive you and kill you again. The only garment I have ever tried on as an adult was my wedding gown. And I tried on exactly ONE gown. And I tried it on again ONCE for alterations. And then I wore it. Most tedious thing ever.
Okay, back to the jeans. As I started to pull them on, struggling, grunting, groaning, wiggling and huffing, I realized something was wrong. My beloved jeans that developed thigh holes last week were the same damn jeans as the ones I couldn't get on my fat ass. WTF?! It was then that I peeled the size sticker off and realized I'd bought a size smaller. On both. Shit. So, determined to not have wasted $20 a pair, I get the blasted things up and zipped. I can sit, bend, breathe, and in spite of the muffin top (think Starbucks muffins), they fit. Huh. I just put on a pair of jeans in a size I haven't worn since pre-kids. With Tootsie Pop in mouth, I do a little happy dance around the bedroom. And then I try to get my phone in my pocket. Not happening. A few more weeks on the Tootsie Pop diet and I should be able to get my hand in my pocket. Yea me!
Now, I want to know something. Have any of y'all ever made it to the center just by licking? Do you know how many licks? Because I sure as hell don't. I have never licked my way to the middle without biting. I just have no patience whatsoever. Can you believe all that rambling for one silly question?
Seriously funny post. I solved the jeans problem long ago. I just don't wear them. Well, at least not regular ones. I'm so short waisted (really, really, really short waisted) with long legs and big boobs, I never ever wear anything tucked in. Have you ever seen a potato sack tied in the middle? That would be me.
ReplyDeleteInstead, I wear boot cut stretchy ones from ShopKo (cheap, cheap, cheap), and with my top covering the top of the jeans, no one knows I'm not wearing regular jeans. They also accommodate a large dinner. A bonus, fer sure!
Heh, you and I could be twins. Very short waist, ample bosom, but average legs. I go with the Riders by Lee Relaxed Fit (relaxed when you have the RIGHT size)cheap at WalMart. These have some stretch, otherwise I'd still be huffing and puffing. I don't think I've tucked in a shirt since the 1980s.
ReplyDeleteMay I suggest stretchy jeans.
ReplyDeleteThese are stretchy jeans. But there's only so much stretch when they're too small to begin with. But I refuse to do the "Returns Dance of Death" with Walmart Customer Service, so I'll just make 'em work.
ReplyDelete:)
ReplyDeleteThe 16 year old that lives inside my head just passed out.
ReplyDeleteI always recommend patience and no biting.
Beauty of a post. I also hate shopping, and as a "middle aged" woman jeans are hell. They make them all for 12 year olds with no hips. And I am seriously short, so even the petite sizes are too long. Ugh.
ReplyDeleteHuh. My addiction is fresh jalapenos. Not much of a calorie problem there.
ReplyDeleteHow many licks does it take to get to the center of the ooooohhhh?
ReplyDeleteI forgot how easy it is for men's minds to get off track when the words "licking" and "sucking" are used in ANY context.
ReplyDeleteAnd wirecutter, love fresh jalapenos stuffed with cheese and wrapped in bacon, fried until gooey and crisp. And there goes the calorie count...
Non once have a licked my way to the center of a tootsie pop.
ReplyDeleteNice writing there Wiser. Humorous, and great visuals.
Thanks timbo. :-) I once got to 269 licks before caving. And have you noticed that once you bite it, you have to eat the whole sucker at once? You can't go back and lick it after biting it. Some kind of weird candy rule.
ReplyDelete