In four days, I have managed to piss off, alienate and generally fuck up four individual friendships. When I'm in pain and frustrated and despondant, I tend to lash out and say really stupid shit. The problem is, being a people pleaser, my entire life I've put other people's feelings and emotions ahead of mine; I've swallowed and denied my own anger, pain, and frustration out of fear of losing someone. Until I finally explode, and sure enough, lose someone.
I also indulge in a little self-fulfilling prophecy; building emotional barriers, digging moats, filling them with emotional moat monsters and daring my friends and loved ones to prove how much I mean to them. When they finally get tired of battling my demons and throw up their hands in frustration and leave, I take it as proof that I am indeed unworthy of love, basically batshit crazy and unloveable. It's passive-aggressive behavior at it's best. Emotional blackmail and manipulation. If you don't stick around and fight my demons, then you don't really care. Honestly, no sane person would put up with this shit for very long. To those of you who have run head on into my insane challenges, I'm truly sorry. And for those who have given up and walked away, good for you. I will miss you terribly, but I don't blame you a bit.
Over the weekend, my 21-day negativity fast came to a screeching halt with a combination of negative input from outside sources and my automatic response of agreeing to make it stop. As soon as I start agreeing with the negativity, it opens that door to all the demons I've been trying to silence. We all have a comfort zone, a place that we go when we feel it's too hard to forge a new path. We fall back into old habits, old behaviors, old vices. It's easier than change. Mine happen to be self-defeating, negative behavioral spirals. I'll think negative thoughts about myself, speak negatively about myself until those around me get so sick of it they stop fighting and either agree with me or just leave, which reinforces my negative feelings and the belief that I'm not worthy of love and friendship. Hah! told ya so.
The hardest part of all this is letting go of my comfort zone, but seriously it's not working for me. I'm down four friends and alienating others at an alarming rate. I can't keep going this direction. But I'm exhausted, defeated, depleted and scared. I'm not even sure where to start rebuilding.
I've been told that recognizing the problem is the first step to fixing it. The next step is....what? Since the friends I've driven off are mostly online, I think first step is to turn of the damned computer. Logging on looking for someone who's not there is not a good way to boost your morale. I won't neglect the blog, but I'm not going to be checking for emails from people who are already gone.
A sneak peek at one of my Moat Monsters.
This one scares the fuck out of me.
go shopping,eat a cheeseburger,laugh, have sex( with somebody if possible) be happy. your friend the rat
ReplyDeleteYou had me at
ReplyDelete"The hardest part of all this is letting go of my comfort zone".
Man, that's me. So fucking resistant to change that it's unreal. When I do make a change it's damn refreshing. Doors open. Do turn off the idiot box, maybe for one full day every other day. Those who love you will still linger around.
You're really too curious and weird to ignore, y'know.
Huh?!
ReplyDeleteI will always be here for ya Angel :) "hugs"
ReplyDeleteMr. Rat, can I have bacon on that cheeseburger? thank you
ReplyDeleteAngel eyes, I feel like every time I start climbing out of the rut, something knocks me back. But most of the time, it's my own choices dragging me back. "too curious and weird to ignore". ~sheesh~
Wisco, heh.
DT2, girl you'd better not abandon me. ;-)
Ya, I sensed that in your reply to the last link I fired off to you. It was meant to feed your fun-filled snarkiness that I admire greatly! I also feel the author was just having fun. I didn't get offended by your seemingly lack of humor in it...just thought you had an off day ;)
ReplyDeleteYou'll have to try harder than that toots...
Huh. Well, I don't know about others, but I am always up for some good ole-fashioned demon whuppin! I'll keep coming back here, and if you ever need someone to yell at, I will sit and take it all ya want. You have but to ask.
ReplyDeleteI think part of the fear is wondering once you drive out the old, familiar, comfortable demons, what new ones are going to take their place? Or will they leave, and you find out that they were right all along? I hate those demons...but can't seem to get rid of them myself. One thing I've learned, though, is that of all the friends we surround ourselves with, there may be a handful that are truly friends in every sense of the word. Those may get offended and go off on their own for a bit to cool off, but those are the ones that will always come back, because they see past the demons, over the walls, and into the keep. Online or 3D, those are the friends that you need to surround yourself with. Because breaking away from the demons and moat-monsters (mine are purple, with green teeth. Don't ask.) is never an easy or painless task, and very, very difficult to accomplish by one's self. Your true friends know you, and will forgive you, and will be there to give you strength and encouragement and the occasional swift kick to the nethers when needed.
ReplyDeleteGood grief, you guys freaking rock. And Rabid, you're right. If they're truly friends, truly interested in my friendship, they'll cool off and come back. And if they don't, what have I really lost?
ReplyDeleteOh, and my moat monsters are green, scaly, slithering beasts with a lisp.
I was once told," you didn't put all those pounds on in a month, what makes you think you can get them off in a month?"
ReplyDeleteIt took you a long time to get those mistaken feelings about yourself, so it will take some time to get rid of them. Keep working at it,baby steps.
You are worth it from what I've read.
As to the folks you think you have run off, they will probably come back, and if not, their loss more than yours.
Now, go get that bacon cheeseburger,(try it with an olive dressing),Have an adult beverage,and tomorrow put on your best face and start allover again on killing your demons.
Dennis the librarian shusher
Green scaly... with a lisp?? Sounds like their day job is NPR....
ReplyDeleteMoat monsters with a lisp? Told ya.
ReplyDeleteInvite one to stay.
ReplyDeleteDear Heart,
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you are conflicted.
You have been one who wanted to please for a long time. Recently, from your musings, you have shown an interest in becoming more independent and less concerned with how others feel about you.
The two images you have of yourself are not compatible. If you want to move away from making everyone like you you should understand that your goal is to rebuild yourself.
Becoming independent is a worthy goal but it is not an easy one. Be patient. Make certain that that is what you want. Know the ramifications. When you decide what you really want go for it and don't look back.
Remember, you have created a fan base who knows, from your descriptions, what you say you want. Whether you continue to pursue it or decide that's not for you we will be here.
Real friends stick around no matter what. Sometimes though, they take a time out to let everyone regain their perspective. They have our back, but let us fight our own battles. The demons won't go away if we don't slay them ourselves.
ReplyDeleteIf the good fight was easy, then everyone would take that path.
Leigh
Whitehall, NY
I finally clicked on the read more linky. As Archie Bunker would say, "Aww jeez".
ReplyDeleteRed, you can have bacon on your cheeseburger or cheese on your bacon burger if you want. You can have bacon with your sex or have sex with your.....no.....wait....never mind!
ReplyDeleteYour moat monster looks like a picture of John Forgery Ketchup Kerry on a secret trip to San Franfreakshow.
ReplyDeleteAngel, I'll always have a shoulder for ya. Everyone has shitty moments, take a deep breath and know lots of people here love you, warts and all. ;) Heck, you put up with our warts quite well.
ReplyDelete-CM
Those shoes would scare the fuck out of me. I'm not a big shoe person, but there are limits. Fear is how our inner selves tell us nor to wear stuff like that.
ReplyDeleteAlso, just remember when your up to your neck in quicksand, there is no room for worry about the other person and his pets on the other side of the swamp.
Chris
Everyone has already covered everything, so I will just say "Big hugs!"
ReplyDeleteIf Obama had married a white women, she would have looked like your Moat Monster. The very lovely Rosa Delouro, Ain't she special.
ReplyDeleteBoot Camp Classes is built to in shape into your busy life-style and schedule.
ReplyDeleteThe reality is that they are setting them selves up for a selection
of complications in the incredibly close to foreseeable future.