Light dawns in the forest

I have a really bad habit. I have to know why. I have to examine and do post-mortems on everything to figure out WHY. I have had many people I know, love and respect tell me to chill the fuck out and stop overthinking things. And now I have a professional backing all my friends.

I learned today the difference between "clean pain" and "dirty pain". Clean pain is what you feel when something bad happens, a breakup, a betrayal, a death. It is clean and pure emotion designed to cleanse the heart and soul. If you let it. If you let yourself go through the hell, open yourself to it, feel it, experience it, let it roll through you and then let it go. Holding on to the pain isn't going to change what caused it, and holding on turns it to "dirty pain".

We dirty up our pain when we deny it, examine it, try to justify it, excuse it, question it. Everything but feel it. I am an extreme avoider. I hate conflict, I hate extreme emotions. It's like puking, I'll do anything to avoid puking. I'll do anything to avoid pain. And like puking, it just prolongs it and makes it worse. I'm not helping myself by asking questions I will never get answers to. Why? Why did he betray me? Why didn't he love me enough? What is wrong with me? Why aren't I enough? What more could I have done to change it? What could I have done to prevent it? Why???? I was told today that each time I ask these questions, it's like pulling the scab off my soul and poking it with a dirty stick. Then when I can't take the pain anymore, I avoid it by putting a band aid on it and pretending it's not there. I've been doing this for six years.

So this is my lesson today. Sometimes, no matter what you do or how hard you try, you get hurt because you can't control what another person does; and some people just aren't very nice. And when you are hurt, feel it, accept it, let it move through you and let it go. Questioning it or ignoring it isn't going to change what happened to cause it.