The last couple of months have left me exhausted. Mentally, physically and emotionally. I've felt everyone and everything I love slipping away, by age or illness or by choice. I've felt my country, my beloved Republic, taking her last agonal breaths before slipping into the grave. And rather than pull up my big girl panties and deal with the pain and grief of loss, the agony of change, the responsibility of the fight, I've let myself slide into an "inner fog" hoping the premise holds that if I don't think about it, it will cease to exist. The belief that if I refuse to say goodbye, the people leaving my life will have to stay. Hoping that if I refuse to change my daily routine, then my life CAN'T change without my permission.
Now, I've been accused of being somewhat intelligent, moderately educated, and implacably sensible. All of which is utter bullshit. But in keeping with that image, I can't honestly believe that closing my eyes will make all the problems disappear. This isn't a game of peek-a-boo and I'm not a gullible toddler. So I have to accept certain things. Yes, my Poppy's health is sliding quicker than we'd hoped. Yes, people I hold in my heart as forever friends are slipping away from me. Yes, the Republic is dying and may be beyond resuscitation. Yes, I get it.
So what the fuck am I going to do about it? Sigh. I don't know. I wish I did, but I don't. I'm not the rock my family thinks I am. I'm not the happy carefree woman my friends think I am. And I'm not the WarriorAngel I like to pretend to be. Seriously, you should see some of my warrior garb, it's awesome! What I am is tired and scared and sad and sometimes a little hopeless. Sometimes, late at night, when the chicks are asleep and the house is quiet and my demons are loud, I cry. A lot. And sometimes, when I can't think or cry anymore, I pray. And then I get up and get dressed and get ready. Because life doesn't stop.
Hang in there. I fear we all do the same thing to a degree.
ReplyDeleteAngel, hang in there. Life is tough, and sometimes seems to kick you harder once you've been kicked a few times in a row. Life has been doing that to me lately so I know where you're coming from. Even though it's tough, and giving up sometimes sounds like such a sweet option, that is the evil shoulder devil talking. That damned devil needs a good asskicking of epic proportions.
ReplyDeleteYou are more of a rock to your family than you realize, the things you do for the cute chicks and your family attest to that. If you need a point of reference, go check out your post on taking one of them to see the horses and go riding.
You don't have to be happy and carefree. Just enjoy having happy and carefree moments. A good piece of chocolate here, a nice movie there, shooting the hell out of something inanimate, a decliciously cooked steak with something decadent for dessert, you name it. Enjoy the small things. Most adults aren't happy and carefree all the time. Anyone that expects that from you needs a reality check.
You are an awesome warrior. Not all warriors are called to the front line of battle. Some are required to defend hearth and home from the problems that try to invade there. If you want an example, look at viking women. One of the biggest groups of baddasses around. They didn't go out looking for a fight, but when an invading army came to them, they took care of it knowing their menfolk were off somewhere else. There is no shame in that, nor in not being on the front lines of an issue.
I know it's hard, and sometimes seems hopeless, but what is the quote about things seeming more hopeless in the dark, moments before the dawn. Something to that effect. (Brain cells are being eaten away as we speak so I can't remember the full quote.) Do I think the Republic will entirely fade away? No. Do I think there will be massive issues and whole areas that are war zones? More than likely. There are plenty of people who love this country but are not sure what to do about the current problems happening and feel that they're stuck in a massively screwed up twilight zone. Having said that, there are those that see what is happening and taking actions to try and change the tide for good. Yes, it'll take time, and there will be a learning curve for them to catch up on, but I do think that there are more people who love the Republic and what it stands for than want to be dealt a bill of goods from the .gov.
You're doing the two best things you can do. Praying and then putting your big girl panties on and going just one more day. Some days it's all you can do.
Always remember, you're not alone in how you feel nor in what you see happening.
-CM
I never accused you of being somewhat intelligent.Im just happy your still living.
ReplyDeleteI don't have the words to help you find what you are looking.You will have to find that.I'm hoping you do find it and it brings you peace.
ReplyDeleteYou have to seek it first and when you have it carpe the hell out of it.
hang in there better days are a coming. keep smiling
ReplyDeleteThe fact that you continue to get up, get dressed, and get ready--no matter how much you've cried the night before--makes you a warrior.
ReplyDeleteBecause it's not a lack of fear that makes you brave, it's continuing on despite it. It's the same with refusing to give in to despair.
Having recently found your blog... I like it, Viking badass and all; though a little more writing on your part would make it better. Just My Humble Opinion.
ReplyDeleteSurely THESE are the times that try men souls, but you must steel your heart and mind for as we all can see, the future does not look so rosey right now. I have found in my life that people are stronger than they think they are and they are always amazed when they do things they thought they would never or could ever do.
So here is the "nut" young lady. It appears you have forgotten your essential Stockdale... Admiral James Bond Stockdale. When reflecting on how he survived as the senior naval aviator severely tortured 15 times by communists in the "Hanoi Hilton" he said,
"You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end -- which you can never afford to lose -- with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.” ― Adm. James Bond Stockdale
Resist no matter what, there is nothing else to do.
Live Free Die Hard.
III
What I am is tired and scared and sad and sometimes a little hopeless.
ReplyDeleteYou and me both. And every single person on Earth, at times, including those we consider heroes. What makes a person a hero is not the absence of these feelings, but that they endure, strive and keep on keepin' on in the face of them.
Because they know life doesn't stop.
I've been accused of being unintelligent, uneducated and implacably insensitive (what the hell do they know), so take this with a grain of salt. I don't pretend to know your struggles, nor will I attempt to sit here and pontificate on an esoteric level about nihilism or the triumph of Good over Evil.
ReplyDeleteSometimes life sucks. That's the reality of it, and sometimes it sucks more than it doesn't. The older I get, the more I realize that when confronted with the ugly truth about circumstances beyond our control, our response to them is more of a reflection about us than it is about ______. Nobody gets to choose when life kicks you in the teeth, but everybody gets to pick how they respond to it.
Most of us have been in a dark place if we have at all been forced to be an adult. Some people's places are infinitely darker than others, but I digress. We are human, we get scared, sad and tired. Sometimes you cry. Good. It means you still care, you're still alive, and tomorrow you have the opportunity to make the best of the shit sandwich life has waiting for you. The struggle and pain is proof of life. Allow that to be your perspective and don't focus on controlling the uncontrollable. Simply persist. Fuck it all, the bullshit, the capriciousness of life, the random acts of unfairness...all of it. I learned the hard way that the time to worry isn't when the punches hurt, it's when they stop hurting and things start going numb. Accept the hurt, the uncertainty and confusion that is much of life. It's not your fault, nor can you change much of it. You can, however, persist. Despite it all, take the punch to the nose and keep going. That...that is the biggest fuck you of all to the circumstances seeking to break you. Sometimes just waking up and making it through another day is badass...and I know you're a badass.
P.S. Did the person accusing you of being somewhat intelligent and sensible ever actually read any of this blog? *ducks for cover
Echo what everyone else on here is telling you. The last two sentences tell it all. The fact that you cry marks you a good Woman, the fact that you cry over your kids marks you a good Mother, and the fact you cry over your country marks you a good Patriot. Everyone is feeling the stress multiply these days, but it is not going to get better without getting worse. Sorry, but you have to keep going to get through. But I know there will always be people around to read your thoughts, and joke with you, and help with thoughts/prayers/comments/lascivious leers, etc. Hang in there, Angel, we are right there with you. Hell, if I ever get rid of this giant stress knot in my back, I will jump for joy. Only gets looser when I relax after a romp, but the wife is getting tired!
ReplyDelete