Texas Chili Taster
Notes From "Frank" - An Inexperienced Chili Taster who was visiting
Texas:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous
celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else
wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and
I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the
beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges
(NativeTexans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told
me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the
scorecards from the event:
Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster
Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very
mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out.
Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy.
Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno
tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give
me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer
line.
Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn-Down-the-Barn
Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a
uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the
routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon.
Barmaid pounded me on the back so hard my backbone is now in the front part of
my chest.
Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue as I swallowed,
but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with
fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see
her.
Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt
when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue
by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of
the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Chili #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian
Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
Sally.
Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation
Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number
3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it
is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed
out of my mouth at some point. Good!...at autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and I'm not getting any oxygen
anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the new 4 inch hole in my
stomach.
Chili #8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend bold but spicy
enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild
not hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and
pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
FRANK: -------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to
report)
Thanks to balloon2 for the chuckles, time to go stir the chili.
No matter how many times I read this, I still laugh until tears run down my face. (I laughed at the post two up from this, too. Does that make me bad?)
ReplyDeleteBest laugh I've in a while. Thanks for making my day.
ReplyDeleteFirst time I saw this, my parents still had a dial-up connection.
ReplyDeleteStill hilarious.
LOL ! Very good one !
ReplyDeletevolfram, good eye, sir. I downloaded it after I first got my first dial-up. Came across it and am trying ro barter with HWA for a couple of recipes. Maybe this will shame her into sharing. HWA, I know, BANNED! At least I'll be in good company with WC. Still love ya, even if I don't get the Texas Chili recipe.
ReplyDeleteEnglishman's Diary of Alice Springs
ReplyDeleteAugust 31st
Just got transferred with work into our new home in Alice Springs!! Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on the verandah It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.
September 13th:
Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.
September 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
October 10th
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.
October 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
October 20th:
I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Wiskettes and cat shit. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.
October 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant ****in blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.
October 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $300,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
November 4th:
It's 38 degrees. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but the bloody humidity makes the house feel like it's about 30. Stupid repairman. I hate this stupid ****in place.
November 8th:
If another wise arse cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to ****in throttle him. ****in heat! By the time I get to work the car's radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soakin ****in wet, and I smell like baked cat!!
November 9th:
Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my ****in arse was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my ****in arse. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried arse, and baked cat.
November 10th:
The weather report might as well be a ****in recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and ****in sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn ****in place? Water rationing will be next, so my $2,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into the ****in pool. Even the palms can't live in this ****in heat.
November 14th:
Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 41 today. Now the air-conditioner's gone in my car. The repairman came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail my arse out of jail for assulting the stupid ****er. **** Alice Springs! What kind of a sick demented ****in idiot would want to live here?
December 1st:
WHAT????? This is the first day of Summer???? You are kiddin!
As a Yank, I'm assuming those temps are in Celsius?
ReplyDelete