Yeah, I guess you can kind of get an idea of my general attitude and frame of mind from the creative title. Things have kind of ganged up on me to kick my ass, both literally and figuratively. I got up last Monday and realized I didn't have anything left, I was tired down to my soul, but life wasn't finished.
We had to put the Cute Chicks back on Abilify, one of the hardest decisions I've ever made. It's poisoning their little bodies, we have to have frequent testing for liver and kidney damage, but there are no other viable options. Teen Queen becomes violent to others when she has a meltdown, which are more frequent without the calming drug. Baby Queen becomes violent to herself when she has a meltdown. And I get beat up mentally and emotionally trying to prevent them from hurting themselves and others. I just couldn't keep going, so I pussied out and put them back on Abilify. And cried for two days. I'm so sorry, girls, I feel like I failed you.
And that was pretty much the beginning of my meltdown. I failed the chicks, I'm a failure as a wife, a daughter, a woman, and sometimes even a Patriot. I'm just feeling overwhelmed, so many people are depending on me to keep things going; my folks, the chicks, friends, family, on and on. Part of my problem is a fear of vulnerability, I don't want to show weakness, so I gut it up and keep going. And I'm a people pleaser, I have no idea how to say "no", so I keep saying "yes" instead of "fuck you". This is starting to sound whiny, so I'll close it
I'm not dead, just a little crazy. I've been sleeping with Prince Valium and living in Xanaxtopia. It's nice here. Peaceful aside from the crazy ass technicolor dreams. (The other night, I was at a blogger party, had to leave and was running around hugging everyone and saying goodbye. Couldn't find wirecutter and Miss Lisa anywhere and had to leave without a goodbye hug and was pissed off. Went out to my truck and drove off hauling an Over The Rainbow parade float covered in Munchkins. Valium is weird.) I'll try to get the few ducks I have left in a row and get back to being me again. Please be patient.
Hugs,
Angel
Your dream sounded like one of mine.
ReplyDeleteLast night I dreamed I went through 3 apartments, flew a paraglider/squirrel suit(it switched about every 3 seconds) into a dozen power lines, and tried to talk Marty McFly into fixing my DeLorean. He said he'd get to it right after he fixed his... I don't remember what it was, but there were 2 other vehicles, and I know they were famous vehicles from movies.
Also, the DeLorean was bright red and yellow.
Nothing I can say will help but be well my friend I wish you good things.
ReplyDeleteYou gotta do what you gotta do. I wish things were otherwise for your cute chicks.
ReplyDeleteTake care of yourself, too, and know that we'd have your back in real life if we were closer, and we got your back electronically, now.
Not all problems have good solutions, and not being able to find what does not exist does not make you a bad person, sometimes the best of the worst is all there is. Don't beat yourself up over things that you can not change.
ReplyDeleteYou are doing the best that you can, and that is all that can be asked of anyone.
David Martin
Hang in there Angel; doing your best & 'being there' matters.
ReplyDeleteAmazingly, every one of us survived the teen years.
Angel, I have no idea how I would cope with your teens and do anything but cry! You are entitled to a break, do what you can to help them cope and if Abilify does it, so be it! I am always encouraged by your posts about the girls, they are enjoying life in their own world and you continue to give them a normal life. Don't apologize to anyone! The rest of the family might have to deal with their own probs, what a concept! Stay strong Texan, you can do this!
ReplyDeleteAngel, the 8:45am post is from me, Jeep Zea. Look me up on FB!
ReplyDeleteMaking an appt with Doc Monday to get me some valium...
ReplyDeletei have no idea what to say
ReplyDeleteso i give you this from a thing i wear on a chain around my neck
ONE DAY AT A TIME
GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT
THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE
COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE
livin to ride
Angel, I watch my daughter deal with her very autistic teenage son and his violent outbursts along with other difficult behavior and wonder how she has the strength 24/7. I don't know how but she does.
ReplyDeleteWe all love you Angel. Ask God what he wants you to do.
I'd think twice about it, wc. Last night, I was drowning in a room full of stuffed Barneys. I couldn't get on top of them, couldn't make it to a door or window, and everytime I stepped on one, it'd start singing,
ReplyDelete"I love you, you love me,
we're a happy family..."
And where the hell were you and Miss Lisa when I was trying to get a goodbye hug?
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ReplyDeleteAngel, I meant to add that you have not failed your daughter's by any means. You are a hero.
ReplyDeletePrayers sent...
ReplyDeleteMany folks read your blog on a daily basis... I'm one of those folks. Stay strong, lady...
Regards,
Texas Attorney
Angel,
ReplyDeleteI have a small understanding of what you are going through. I wish there were some quick answers, but I haven't found them yet. You have no need to apologise for a break down, sometimes these things happens. The only, perhaps helpful, advice I can give is to begin prioritizing right now. You say that you are a people pleaser and cannot say no. This needs to stop. Home and family comes first, and those people who are draining away your time and energy from what comes first must be told "no", in no uncertain terms. You will not offend anyone and , I'm willing to bet, most folks will understand immediately. There in no sin in saying "no".
I shall be keeping you in my thoughts.
Angel,
ReplyDeleteyou're tougher than you think. No matter what, you will keep on keeping on. We admire and respect from afar, and for good reason. You have many positive thoughts sent your way.
Smile. you are on the correct side of the grass. Adaptable, tenacious...........You would have made a great submarine sailor.
Lots of wisdom here. You and your children come first, period. If that means you have to learn to say 'no' to those that then that's what you'll do.
ReplyDeleteIt might help to get on your knees(no, not in that way). God gives us all our own unique tribulations, but He is there to help us through them if we'll listen to Him with our hear and mind. Myself, I'm praying for you and the Cute Chicks. Hang in there, Angel. You're stronger than you think.
Nothing I can say that hasn't been said here already, by voices more articulate than mine. Know that you and the Cute Chicks are on my mind and in my prayers.
ReplyDelete"Cast your burden on the Lord, and He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved."
Psalm 55:22
Wish I had some words of wisdom to share. Life isn't easy. First wife, after 14 years and 5 kids disappeared one day. 6 years, single Dad. Second wife 21 years, 1 kid. Went nuts 5 years ago and took off. Now I'm 65 and the kids are grown. Looking back I know at times I just wanted to give up. I just tried to do my best with what I knew and time took care of the rest. Hang in there. One day you'll look back, smile, and wonder how you made it. Now? I wouldn't trade any of it.
ReplyDeleteYou did not "pussy out". You are just playing out the bad hand that you were dealt as well as you can play it.
ReplyDeletePraying for you, Angel.
ReplyDelete