Thursday, May 11, 2017

I almost died

I've been walking since I was one year old. Mom said I never really crawled, just stood and took off. Maybe I shouldn't have skipped the crawling stage; I didn't develop good equilibrium and balance. I took ballet lessons from age 4 to 17, danced en pointe for four years, I can still trip over the pattern in a rug. Poppy's nickname for me growing up was Grace.

So today I fell off the deck. The deck we've had since 2007. Ten years. I've gone up and down at least 10 times a day, 365 days, 10 years, 36500 times. And today I missed a step. You know that feeling of impending doom when you miss a step? Your life flashes before your eyes and you do all sorts of crazy acrobatics to keep from hitting the ground. You look like the Wacky Waving Arms Inflatable Guy.


Dancing frantically, I managed to keep my feet on each step going down. The top of my feet, the sides, and at one point, I think the tops of my toes. My only thought was, "Don't go down. Max will pee on you." I got both feet on terra firma, but kept going off balance, staggering and flailing. Now I looked like Kermit trying to line dance. But I didn't go down. At my advanced age, I could have gotten seriously hurt, right? Broken a hip or something, and that just wouldn't do.

I finally got myself under control, stopped and assessed my condition. Upright, check. Nothing broken, check. I'm good, right? Wrong. I feel like I've been in a serious wreck. My neck and shoulders are Whiplash Central. I'm strained and twisted all the way down my left side. And my left ankle is roughly the size of a cantaloupe. But not broken. I think. I went on to pick up the Cute Chicks, grateful for God sparing me from a nasty fall and thinking I wouldn't feel the full brunt of my valiant effort to stay upright. I was wrong. By the time I got to the school and tried to get out of the momvan, my body was telling me to fuck off. My ankle wouldn't hold me up, my back was screaming, and I couldn't turn my head to the right. I somehow got the chicks home and unloaded, but couldn't get up the steps to the deck, and I seriously contemplated sleeping in the van. It took me about 20 minutes, two Tylenol and a muscle relaxer to get up and in the house.

So here I sit, in a relaxed haze with moist heat on my back and ice on my ankle and a storm front building around my ass. And I still don't know what started my downfall.



24 comments:

J Bogan said...

Oh, I know exactly what that is like. I used to live in a wee little house in Virginia. Bedroom was upstairs, and there was a steep narrow staircase that had a 90 degree turn 4 or 5 steps from the bottom. One night, nature called, and I was descending the stairs, and stepped off into space at the turn... I had enough time to think, "Crap, this is going to hurt" before I hit the wooden floor. Hard. (I missed the glass front gun cabinet somehow) I lay there for a few as I attempted to asses the extent of the no doubt broken bones and the like. Other than some first rate bruising (spectacular in a couple days) I was undamaged. I have great sympathy for your condition, hope you heal quickly.

wirecutter said...

No pictures?

Anonymous said...

Bless YOU,Wise Angel One! But for the Grace of God, I would/could/should have occurrences like that every day...if you don't have one, I can help you find a good Chiropractor...you will need one....hope you can manage to get some healing sleep....

vaquero viejo

hiswiserangel said...

Fuck you, darlin'.

Anonymous said...

When we where kids we fell out of trees, fell off our bikes, and just got up and kept going. When we became young adults we were able to overlook the minor bumps and bruises because we were so tired from working for 18-20 hours each day and going to parties on the weekends. Now were older and we are brittle, need our sleep, and are not able to shower or go up stairs without rails. Each day is a challenge to see what will hurt or just fail to work anymore. Thank you for sharing your "moment" with us all. Get well fast and keep us informed of your progress of feeling better.

Judy said...

Ouch!!!! I pulled a similar stunt falling off a sidewalk with a sleeping 5-year old in my arms. I didn't drop her nor did she wake up. But I did spend several weeks wrapped in ace bandages with ice on an ankle while the doctors tried to convince me I might want surgery on that ankle. No broken bones but thoroughly messed up some tendons. All that to say, get it checked out, cause it will come back to haunt you when you get older.

hiswiserangel said...

Judy, I am older. ;-) Yeah, going to see Dr. Janet in the morning after dropping the chicks off at school.

Old Goat Patrol said...

Gravity Check!

RabidAlien said...

Almost everything else has been said, so it doesn't bear repeating (glad you're okay!)....what startled me is that NOBODY has yet brought up the fact that your ass has weather systems?!?

::ducks and runs::

Anonymous said...

I tore a ligament in my knee in january from squating while holding a sleeping 7 year old.

Luckily i only dropped him a couple of inches onto his bed when the knee collapsed.

Still have issues with the knee.

Exile1981

hiswiserangel said...

My ass has its own gravitational force.

Linda Sue O'Grady said...

My mother always said I would trip over anything too stupid to get out of my way. She also called me Grace.

Alien said...

Learn how to fall and you won't fear it so much, and it won't hurt (or damage you) as much when it does occur.

I don't know anyplace that teaches just falling, but it's something that one learns in martial arts classes. And, as Mark Rippetoe points out in Starting Strength, building muscle strength, especially lower body strength, helps prevent falls; many older people fall because they don't have the muscle capacity to resist the fall or catch themselves before the fall proceeds beyond the point of no return.

Anonymous said...

It ain't the fall that gets you, but that landing shit can be a real pain in the everywhere! Get well and good luck. I'll be thinking of you and see you next fall.

Will said...

Alien:

Judo specifically teaches how to fall without getting hurt. At least 1/3 of each class should be practice and instruction in this area. If done for 3-6 months, it should stick with you for many, many years.
AFAIK, none of the other martial arts focus on falling. Since Judo focuses on throwing your opponent, they have to do this.

TIP: Don't show up in Karate class wearing a Judo Ge, as the instructor may have you demonstrate how to fall, by having the OTHER Judo experienced classmate throw you around.

Charles Montenegro said...

how much brains does it take to use the handrail you cant fix stupid

Anonymous said...

Epsom Salts, the miracle cure.

rickn8or said...

Old Goat Patrol, I do frequent Gravity Checks and can assure you that (1) it still works and (2) it always wins.

My favorite G.C. method is getting my gimp leg on the downhill side of things.

susan said...

hiswiserangel said: "My ass has its own gravitational force."

well....mine has it's own asteroid belt......top that!

:) Hope you're felling better soon....and I can commiserate. I did a swan-dive-face-plant (totally sober...my FIRST mistake) in a Mexican Restaurant last Sunday....still feeling like a post-tazed Rotny King.

J Bogan said...

Hey Chuck, what happens if your hands are full? Can't fix buttholes either evidently.

Anonymous said...

come to think of it, one of the first things they teach in steer wrestling school ( yes, they have schools for that) is how to fall....off of a running horse!

vaquero viejo

Charles Montenegro said...

well mr bogan even more reason to be smarter then what you are dealing with
you come down sideways with your back aggainst the wall 1 step at a time

Anonymous said...

Try not to be so hard on yourself Angel. (That's Kenny's job, not yours!) We all have accidents. We all fuck up. We all get older and lose our balance. In the end, the only thing that really matters is that you managed to avoid falling and breaking something. Good job!

Kudos also on having your pain reliever and muscle relaxer stashed where you could reach them while semi-incapacitated in the van.

1776vtgmb said...

Most dangerous place to slip and fall and get hurt
is the shower/bathtub. Can't catch yourself on the
slippery surface.
Beware....
And get better! From the graduation high to the
tumble low... (sigh)