Thursday, April 2, 2015

And another thing

I hate using this blog as therapy, as Dear Diary, but most days this and y'all are all the adult conversation/interaction I get. So please, either skip over this or bear with me.

Earlier this week, I discussed my loyalty/trust issues, and today is going to be friendship/relationship/love issues. Yay. ~gack~

I'm a typical woman. When it comes to relationships, I overthink everything and torture myself with worst case scenarios. I crave information, answers and clarity. You know the routine; going over everything I said and did to try to figure out what I did or didn't do. If I think we have a strong friendship, and you suddenly fall completely off my radar, my mind goes immediately to my Angel's List of Grievous Faults and Reasons Why People Don't Like/Love Me. Yeah, I know, I'm fucked up. I have issues. My insecurity and lack of self-esteem are epic. But, unless the woman is exceptional, this is fairly typical in varying degrees. We're raised to be pleasers, nurturers, the keepers of Love and All Things Relational. If something is missing or going wrong, surely it's our fault. And we'll torture ourselves trying to figure it out.

Men tend to be vastly different. If y'all have a friend, good buddy, pal, someone really close, you can lose track of each other for days, weeks, months, years, and you don't fret over it. When your orbits intersect, y'all pick back up without any emotional demands or questions. It just is what it is, you're back together and no time for relationship dissection. You're not up in the middle of the night agonizing over whether or not you should email, text, call, anything to see what's going on. If you do reach out, and don't get an immediate response, you don't freak out and assume the worst. And if you do get a response, you don't analyze and try to read into it. Honestly, if I could keep my titties and fun parts, I wouldn't mind being a dude. Or at least have a man brain.

So where was I going with this? Oh yeah, relationships and friendships. Part of my OCD is a serious aversion to change, so the ebb and flow of friendships (you know, you're in each other's back pockets for months, deep communication, reliable interaction and then it dwindles to nothing) drives me crazy. Add my insecurities and lack of healthy self-esteem, and the ebb tides kill me. "Why are they pulling away? What did I do? What did I say? Did I forget something? Did they ever really like me? Did they realize what a loser I am and decide to cut me loose?" Ironically, low self-esteem is also very narcissistic; the world revolves around you and your shortcomings. There was an earthquake in Japan? Must be those extra 20 pounds you packed on over Christmas, your fat ass just killed a bunch of people. Good job. Extreme exaggeration but damned close.

It is a constant battle with me, and I know it's exhausting for the people around me. I'm better than I used to be, I don't bombard the people I love for constant reminders and reassurances of their feelings for me. But I'm swinging to the other extreme where I just assume they don't want to be in my life anymore and quietly shut the door. I've shut out some people who never meant to leave, but it seems once it's done, it's done. It feels like I'm shutting down my heart, room by room, and that worries me a little. I don't hate the other person for leaving, I mean, I never really understood what they saw in me to begin with so how can I be mad at them for leaving? I can count on one hand the number of people in my life I truly hate, and I have very good reasons for each one. But not liking me is no cause for hate or anger. And if it is someone I deeply loved, there is definitely no hate. Sometimes I wish I could get mad, hate the other person, but it's just not me. I'm working on absorbing the loss and pain without adding to my list of failures and insecurities. You know? There have to be other reasons besides my shortcomings for people I love to decide to check out; and I'm not always going to get to know why. Sometimes it just is what it is and it may not have anything to do with me. I have to stop taking responsibility for other people's decisions to leave.

So yes, I am truly a fucked up work in progress, but at least there's progress, Right?.


Anonymous said...

Progress ... but in what direction ?

Progress is a scaler quantity. It does not define a desired end-state.

What is your vector ... progress toward what ?

Hans - in the NC woods

canbeus said...

Sweetie, you need a good old fashion back rub, oh and chocolate. Be good to your self.

Rob said...

"I have to stop taking responsibility for other people's decisions..." Full stop.

Attempt at control of other people's behavior is:

(a) a favored tactic of Leftists
(b) always about your own fears
(c) guaranteed to drive them away
(d) useless

Pick one or all.

You'll make it, missy. Let go and let God, and later it'll be later. You just wait and see.

OldAFSarge said...

One of the reasons I love your blog is your refreshing honesty. You put it all out there kiddo. Your true friends and fans get it.

You just need to be you. That's all.

Hang in there, you'll be okay.

Anonymous said...

It's because of your red hair, I'm sure of it. All the world's woes are the direct result of your hair.


Hey, if someone doesn't want to hang, fuck 'em, they weren't worth the trouble in the first fucking place. People are mostly about themselves, what's in it for them, etc. I don't waste my valuable time on them or their bullshit.

Life is too short.
How important is it?

ToneDeaf said...

Don't ever forget you're a III%er, there are MANY of us that are loyal to you and respect you. We're all a little fucked up in our own way but that's what makes us unique. We all have our burdens to carry but with Gods help and guidance, he will lessen the load.

Anonymous said...

The word "perfect" doesn't appear on my resume either.

Bobo the Hobo said...

Okay, here's a little humor to help out:

Two policemen call the station on the radio.

"Hello, Sarge? "


"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"No sir. The floor is still wet."

Robert Fowler said...

I know I love you, you're like a little sister. Especially since I talk to my own sister every couple of years.

e-mail to follow.

Cederq said...

Miss Angel, did you stay up all night over this? Hmm, lie down on my couch... did you hate your mother?... seriously, I can speak for me most assuredly, and most of the others tacitly that you are among friends, sure we come and go, but I am positive we check in on your blog often. You are with out a doubt a woman that likes guy things but is feminine. We could all take you out shooting, then mud-bogging, then pick you up that night and you would be in your slinky black man killer black dress. Don't sweat the small stuff, if you are as important to them as they are to you, then they are worth keeping around and you are worth keeping.

Anonymous said...

You have bigger fish to fry. Stay focused on the positives.

Wind River Ranger said...

But on the other hand ...

Just kidding. "Who loves ya, baby."

(My guess is that you are too young to get that Kojak reference.)

Anonymous said...

Seems relevent:

(Not spam or porn. I SWEAR)

Anonymous said...

Everybody is a little fucked up at least. The ones with a leg up realize it and are working on it.
You're definitely working on it.
You'll be fine.

hiswiserangel said...

Thank you hugs all around!
I appreciate y'all for being with me on my journey. Some days are better than others, but always better than last year, so that's progress.

Losing touch with such a close friend, feeling them slip away, is so hard for me to just calmly accept. But at least I'm not curled up with a bottle of JD listening to Adele.

Wind River Ranger said...

"There comes a day when you realize turning the page is the best feeling in the world because you realize there is so much more to the book than the page you were stuck on." - Zayn Malik

Anonymous said...

I swear some days you're reading pages out of the secret diary in my head. I understand completely where you're coming from. I just want you to know that although I don't comment much at the moment, I do read; and I consider you a friend with a very similar sense of humor and devious streak. If getting things off your chest here on your blog helps, then by all means, vent away. You're among friends here.

-CM. -Who is off to chase the Energizer Bunny in the form of a 9 month old, determined as all get out, stubborn little munchkin who doesn't hold still for anything. (And who is trying to eat everything in sight!)

Ian Restil said...

Angel, you are not OCD. Just the fact you say it proves you aren't, because if you were, you'd say CDO, putting the letters in alphabetical order.

Now, if you were going to curl up with a white Zinfandel and listen to Coldplay, then I'd worry.

Leigh said...

I think you biggest problem is assuming we are "adults". I know we ain't much, but you still have us. Maturity is so over-rated. ;-}
Keep your chin up, darlin'. You've had a long row to hoe, and I don't know if any one of us here could handle what you do on a daily basis.

New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings. - Lao Tzu

Whitehall, NY

RabidAlien said...

Not much to add that the smarter heads (and asses) above have already stated. :) I drop by here and lurk because I love the sarcasm, snark, humor, and honesty. And with this post, I'd be very willing to bet you score heavily on the Phlegmatic-Melancholy side of the personality chart. I completely get where you're coming from. Vent it out, you're amongst friends.

Volfram said...

"if I could keep my titties and fun parts, I wouldn't mind being a dude. Or at least have a man brain."

That's an experience most men wouldn't be averse to, either.

See also: Ranma 1/2.

Wraith said...

I started losing my insecurities when I started expecting honesty out of others.

"Wraith, X is saying you're a massive douchebag!"

Well, that's probably true, but X can think what they want. If they don't have the balls to say it to my face, their opinion is irrelevant.

A friend drifts away? I'd expect a real friend to tell me if I'm doing something to drive them away. Since they haven't said anything, I can only conclude that it's about their own issues or path in life, and has nothing to do with me.

Having standards and realizing it's not all bout me, helped me change my life immensely. If you can learn that, you're well on your way to having a male brain in a hot redhead's body... which point, you'll have to beat the boys off with a stick(although some may find that encouraging).

I say this out of love, darlin'. If you don't like the way you're thinking, it IS possible to change it. It may not be easy, but the end result is well worth it.

Anonymous said...

It's an analog world, and we digital men just live in it.

Critter said...

Sweety, I was just busy with family stuff. And I got a new FB account. And my truck broke down. And my phone died. You didn't do anything and I still like you. (you wouldn't have the number of a good computer plumber would you?)