I hate using this blog as therapy, as Dear Diary, but most days this and y'all are all the adult conversation/interaction I get. So please, either skip over this or bear with me.
Earlier this week, I discussed my loyalty/trust issues, and today is going to be friendship/relationship/love issues. Yay. ~gack~
I'm a typical woman. When it comes to relationships, I overthink everything and torture myself with worst case scenarios. I crave information, answers and clarity. You know the routine; going over everything I said and did to try to figure out what I did or didn't do. If I think we have a strong friendship, and you suddenly fall completely off my radar, my mind goes immediately to my Angel's List of Grievous Faults and Reasons Why People Don't Like/Love Me. Yeah, I know, I'm fucked up. I have issues. My insecurity and lack of self-esteem are epic. But, unless the woman is exceptional, this is fairly typical in varying degrees. We're raised to be pleasers, nurturers, the keepers of Love and All Things Relational. If something is missing or going wrong, surely it's our fault. And we'll torture ourselves trying to figure it out.
Men tend to be vastly different. If y'all have a friend, good buddy, pal, someone really close, you can lose track of each other for days, weeks, months, years, and you don't fret over it. When your orbits intersect, y'all pick back up without any emotional demands or questions. It just is what it is, you're back together and no time for relationship dissection. You're not up in the middle of the night agonizing over whether or not you should email, text, call, anything to see what's going on. If you do reach out, and don't get an immediate response, you don't freak out and assume the worst. And if you do get a response, you don't analyze and try to read into it. Honestly, if I could keep my titties and fun parts, I wouldn't mind being a dude. Or at least have a man brain.
So where was I going with this? Oh yeah, relationships and friendships. Part of my OCD is a serious aversion to change, so the ebb and flow of friendships (you know, you're in each other's back pockets for months, deep communication, reliable interaction and then it dwindles to nothing) drives me crazy. Add my insecurities and lack of healthy self-esteem, and the ebb tides kill me. "Why are they pulling away? What did I do? What did I say? Did I forget something? Did they ever really like me? Did they realize what a loser I am and decide to cut me loose?" Ironically, low self-esteem is also very narcissistic; the world revolves around you and your shortcomings. There was an earthquake in Japan? Must be those extra 20 pounds you packed on over Christmas, your fat ass just killed a bunch of people. Good job. Extreme exaggeration but damned close.
It is a constant battle with me, and I know it's exhausting for the people around me. I'm better than I used to be, I don't bombard the people I love for constant reminders and reassurances of their feelings for me. But I'm swinging to the other extreme where I just assume they don't want to be in my life anymore and quietly shut the door. I've shut out some people who never meant to leave, but it seems once it's done, it's done. It feels like I'm shutting down my heart, room by room, and that worries me a little. I don't hate the other person for leaving, I mean, I never really understood what they saw in me to begin with so how can I be mad at them for leaving? I can count on one hand the number of people in my life I truly hate, and I have very good reasons for each one. But not liking me is no cause for hate or anger. And if it is someone I deeply loved, there is definitely no hate. Sometimes I wish I could get mad, hate the other person, but it's just not me. I'm working on absorbing the loss and pain without adding to my list of failures and insecurities. You know? There have to be other reasons besides my shortcomings for people I love to decide to check out; and I'm not always going to get to know why. Sometimes it just is what it is and it may not have anything to do with me. I have to stop taking responsibility for other people's decisions to leave.
So yes, I am truly a fucked up work in progress, but at least there's progress, Right?.