The Lonely Libertarian: March 2015

I don't trust people in general. And people who say they love me in particular. I've been betrayed and abandoned by friends and lovers. I've had men vow to love and protect me, and then turn around and cheat on me, break my heart, and leave. I've had close friends share my secrets, move in on men, or just generally leave me hanging when I needed a friend the most.

This could have made me a bitter, angry, closed-off bitch. Heartless and cruel. But that's just not me. I will be the first to answer a cry for help, lend a shoulder to cry on, bury bodies if called for.For some reason, I'm incapable of turning off my heart. So I give my love freely and joyfully, but I wall off my heart to any kind of love in return. What betrayal has done is make me very cautious. I have stopped expecting reciprocity, and I'm very averse to showing weakness or asking for help. My feeling is if you don't ask, don't expect, you can't be disappointed. If you don't count on someone's loyalty, you can't be betrayed. My love doors swing outward, but not inward.

I don't know how many friends, lovers, admirers, family I've lost by pushing them away. And I really wish I was different. "I love you" is one of the easiest things for me to feel and express, and the absolute hardest thing for me to accept and trust from another. It makes for a very lonely heart. Especially at 3 in the morning.