Friday, September 4, 2015

Kilted to Kick Cancer: Why wirecutter banned me for a week

Or tried. From the whole damn internet. For a week. Now,  most of the time, y'all are in on the shenanigans when I get banned, so it's pretty obvious. But this was done in a private email between him, Dennis and myself. Later, after a comment about the discomfort of digital butt raping, Dennis pleaded with me not to do this. But you know I must.

I mentioned the number of dudes whining about a little finger up the butt once a year and proceeded to share what I and millions of women go through once a year. It went a little something like this:

Oh for the love of God and all that's Holy. You know what I've done every year since I was 18? Had one of these:
slathered with enough KY to lube a semi and shoved up my whoo-haw, jacked open like the mother-loving jaws of life and a little scraper shoved in there to scrape off a sample of cervical cells. 30 years and counting.

Y'all need to suck it up with the whole "Oh, the mean doctor put his finger up my ass."


Just pointing out what whiny little babies you dudes are.
"Wah! I got a finger in my butt!"

Suck it up, Buttercup. Until you're laying on the exam table wearing nothing but a paper cape, with a dude wearing a miner's headlamp telling you to "just let your knees fall open naturally and relax," before stabbing you with a metal speculum that's been kept in the fridge overnight, you've got nothing to bitch about.

Oh, that just got you banned for a week!

Banned from what? The internet?

From....from....yeah, the internet. Turn your shit off.

And from there it spiraled into general name-calling and profanity.

The point is, I don't enjoy the annual pelvic and pap smear, but momentary discomfort is a small price to pay. I've known women who had cervical and uterine cancers. Not pretty. 

You guys need to go do your prostate exams. A little discomfort once a year can save you a world of hurt later on. 

Oh, and go donate a couple of bucks to Kilted to Kick Cancer HERE. Remember, $5 gets you entered to win THIS.


Anonymous said...

Our local medical facility sent the "man van" out to our small town for the rodeo to try and catch as many farmers as possible for their annual prostate check at one time. And with wives standing by a lot got nagged into it.

They also have the portable mamogram bus... which we jokingly call the "boob bus" that goes to small rural communities to do mamograms for local women so they don't have to try to drive into the city.


Mrs. Dragon said...

Dennis read that to me yesterday, and I laughed so hard. :-)

Thank you so much for boosting the signal!!

Volfram said...

So here's a question for you. Would you rather it was warm?

Toilet seats are like that. Only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm toilet seat.

Anonymous said...

Maybe not warm Volfram, but feeling like they just pulled them out of the freezer before they use them on you surely could change. Room temperature would be nice.


Heroditus Huxley said...

I love my doctor. She puts those and the tube of KY jelly on a heat pad set to low in the table drawer.

hiswiserangel said...

Mrs. Dragon, I'm honored you came for a visit!

Volfram, ice cold makes everything cramp. Not nice.

HH, absolutely brilliant! I'll suggest that to my dr.
And for some reason, you've joined wirecutter in the super stealth commenting ranks.

Bobo the Hobo said...

Not to mention mammograms ...

rickn8or said...

Ovarian/cervical cancer? Yeah, BTDT with my Mom.

Cold KY is not any more pleasant when used for fingerwaves.

The Infamous Oregon Lawhobbit said...

So, in short, "Don't get butthurt about butthurt or you'll have worse butthurt?"


Anonymous said...

This old Limey bastard has had the pleasure of a full cavity search by our equivalent of your Homeland Security. They were a pair of brown jobs with a limited command of English. I was and remain unamused. When it comes down to the wire I will probably not be feeling particularly altruistic, multicultural or even considerate.

It's coming.

Seneca III

Sarthurk said...

Since I was diagnosed, I've had the finger up the ass more times than I care to recall, but that's not the worst. For Radiation treatments, they jammed a water balloon up my ass to keep everything lined up so as to nuke the the right places and not things they didn't want to fry...39 times for 7 & 1/2 weeks. Humiliation is beneath me. And, I'm still here to talk about it.

rickn8or said...

Sarthurk, that was one of my options, but I went with iodine implants. No problems, except this year I found out I had "colitis consistent with radiation damage." That's a polite way of saying "my prostate fried my ass."

Sarthurk said...

Well that's a bummer. All I can say is things feel different but I can't quite tell what, quite yet. I couldn't do the implants because the prostate is gone and whatever is throwing PSA is likely a lymph node or two that missed the harvest for pathology (which was negative btw). All I know now is that the PSA level is going straight to hell. Let's hope that in December we'll find it has reached hell. Funny how this rather mundane for us who have had to deal with this shit, sorry, no pun intended.

rickn8or said...

It's not too bad; got things back under control and my PSA's behaving itself.

Skip said...

I sent a duece through paypal.
I clicked on Dragon. How do I know if he gets the credit?

hiswiserangel said...

Skip, I'll ask Dennis if they give him a running tally. Don't forget to send your receipt to Every $5 gets your name in the drawing for the holster.