Monday, March 30, 2015

My biggest challenge


I don't trust people in general. And people who say they love me in particular. I've been betrayed and abandoned by friends and lovers. I've had men vow to love and protect me, and then turn around and cheat on me, break my heart, and leave. I've had close friends share my secrets, move in on men, or just generally leave me hanging when I needed a friend the most.

This could have made me a bitter, angry, closed-off bitch. Heartless and cruel. But that's just not me. I will be the first to answer a cry for help, lend a shoulder to cry on, bury bodies if called for.For some reason, I'm incapable of turning off my heart. So I give my love freely and joyfully, but I wall off my heart to any kind of love in return. What betrayal has done is make me very cautious. I have stopped expecting reciprocity, and I'm very averse to showing weakness or asking for help. My feeling is if you don't ask, don't expect, you can't be disappointed. If you don't count on someone's loyalty, you can't be betrayed. My love doors swing outward, but not inward.

I don't know how many friends, lovers, admirers, family I've lost by pushing them away. And I really wish I was different. "I love you" is one of the easiest things for me to feel and express, and the absolute hardest thing for me to accept and trust from another. It makes for a very lonely heart. Especially at 3 in the morning.

10 comments:

RabidAlien said...

I hear ya.

BWBandy said...

This sounds ominous.

Wraith said...

You're not alone.

Cederq said...

I, too, have been betrayed as such as you. I don't look for love and friendship, I look and strive for loyalty. the others can and will follow in time, I can count on and give loyalty.

Anonymous said...

Well put Angel, I have been there myself. Like you my doors swing outward.....but only to a certain point. Keep on keeping on Angel.
Ranger

Brighid said...

I thought for a moment you were describing me, so does this post resonate...

Anonymous said...

Angel, if you were my Angel, I would definitely break you of (tenderly nudge you away from) your trust issues; there are good Men out there, but they are few and far between. They hide, sometimes in plain sight, but they are out there. I don’t know if it is the breakdown of society, the emasculation of the modern Male, the public exaltation of the “leach” over the “producer” or the fact that RESPECT and COMMITMENT are now considered pejoratives instead of virtues, but I feel your pain. If you become withdrawn or cynical, then “they” win. Stick to your guns, publish your amazing blog and continue to be a “Presence” that we all love to connect with. I don’t know exactly how I began following your site, but I’m a better Man because of it. THANK YOU

Morris said...

Damn, that struck a chord with me too.

I have large trust issues as well.

I think a lot more people have this problem than we are aware, mostly because they don't talk about it but choose to silently suffer.

Sundance said...

Very well said. Nodded throughout. Although, for myself, I've discovered that over the last couple of years that I can't love anyone new. Something broke and won't heal.

DaddyClaxton said...

The Best definition of Hell on Earth ...the inability to accept or receive Love , even when it is true, and freely offered . I know where you live, Sweetheart, and I understand Why.