Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Sad but true facts about Angel

Or biscuits.
I fucking hate opening a can of biscuits,
which is why I make them from scratch.

Granny's Buttermilk Biscuits:

I grew up making these, as did my mom and my grandma. I had the recipe memorized before I had boobies. There is absolutely NO reason to ever open a can of biscuits. Enjoy.

  • 2 cups unbleached all-purpose flour, can use gluten-free all-purpose flour. Extra for dusting.
  • 1/4 tsp baking soda
  • 1 TBS baking powder
  • 1 tsp salt
  • 6 TBS unsalted butter, VERY COLD
  • 1 cup buttermilk
  • Preheat oven to 450.
  • Combine dry ingredients in a bowl (or food processor if you're one of THOSE)
  • Cut butter into smaller chunks before cutting into dry ingredients. Yes, the food processor is faster and easier, but I prefer to use my Grandma's maple-handled wire pastry cutter. Process/cut until coarse meal consistency.
  • Add buttermilk and mix until just combined, don't stir it to death.
  • Here is where science becomes art. If it appears dry, add more buttermilk slowly. Dough should be very wet. You'll know the perfect balance after a few attempts. Nobody needs to see your faulty biscuits.
  • Turn dough out onto a floured surface.
  • Gently PAT (Never EVER use a rolling pin, see HERE) until dough is about 1/2 inch thick, uniformly. Fold the dough about 5 times (mmmmm, flaky) and PAT the dough down to about an inch thick.
  • Use a round cutter to cut biscuits.
  • Place biscuits on a cookie sheet. Touching makes soft sides and higher biscuits. For crustier sides, space about an inch apart.
  • Brush tops with melted butter and bake for 10-12 minutes. This was always an argument in our family, butter before or after baking? Either works nicely.
  • Do NOT overbake. And remember, the key to tender flaky pastry is not overhandling the dough.
  • Biscuits can be covered and frozen on cookie sheet for up to a month. Just place sheet in 450 oven for 20 minutes.


Heroditus Huxley said...

Chick over on Wirecutter's blog was making pie crust. Wrong visual texture for biscuits.

hiswiserangel said...

You could still tell she'd worked it to death.

Heroditus Huxley said...

Or used room temperature butter, one of the two.

Personally, I like plain milk oil biscuits. I can whip up a batch of those in the time it takes the oven to preheat.

Bikermailman said...

You forgot one thing: Sausage gravy.

Heroditus Huxley said...

I thought that was just a given to the point it didn't need to be pointed out...

hiswiserangel said...

Keith, given that sausage gravy is it's own food group, it requires its own post.

Volfram said...

See, I rarely open a package of biscuits, but it's this feeling of anticipation. The stress build-up as you start pulling the little pully-tabby-thing, and then the sudden RELEASE when it all pops out.

Is that what sex is like?

hiswiserangel said...

Kinda, sorta, but with more gravy.

Bikermailman said...

Well, get, typing.

tsquared said...

after you cut in the butter with the dry goods throw it in the freezer for 10 minutes - the oven is still warming up and it gives the butter time to harden back up prior to mixing with the the buttermilk. Also when cutting the dough cut strait down, do not saw into it.

Anonymous said...

That is freaking hilarious. I feel like wearing a bomb disposal suit when I open a can.

brad said...

Just wanted to say "thanks" for the recipe. Tried it today, worked perfectly, and very quick and easy.

BTW, I didn't punch out round biscuits, but just cut the finished dough into rectangles. Saves working the dough a second time, and square biscuits taste just as good.

hiswiserangel said...

You're welcome, brad! and square biscuits appeal to my OCD.