Life, Death and the Coming Storm

This has literally been the week from hell. A week of goodbyes that I expected, but still don't understand or fully accept. A week of hard realizations that have challenged me and shook me to the core. A week of growth and acceptance. And I'm beyond tired, sliding head-first into numb.

First, my personal situation has solidified. I know exactly where I stand, and it's pretty much alone. When the SHTF, my little clan will consist of two septuagenarian parents and two teenage daughters. And me. I'll be the head, the protector and provider. Now, being rural in a very red state, I imagine a large portion of my battle will be to maintain my position. From outsiders, not so much government. At least not in the beginning. I have doubled down on my stores, recalculated for number of souls,  and added a few necessities. I'm taking my parents to the range; I don't expect crack shots, but they need to at least be proficient. The girls, for obvious reasons, will never hold a firearm. They aren't mentally capable of handling one.  They do, however, possess the spirit of a honey badger; God help the soul that tries to manhandle them.

I spent two very VERY dark days formulating my Final Plan, and coming to terms with what it means. What it will require of me. If there does come a time when the fight comes to my door and I'm running low on ammo, I know what needs to be done and that I'm the only one to do it. I cried my tears, yelled and screamed, and then locked those emotions in a tiny little box. I don't have the time or energy for them.

Second, I'm having to balance life and death with people I love. Cherish. I am sick to death of people leaving my life on the basis that it would be "easier" for me when the time comes that they meet their end. Guess what folks? Death is a part of life. It is an immutable fact, non-negotiable. Every single one of us is going to do it. Some spectacularly in a blaze of glory, some cowering in a corner begging, some fortunate enough to pass peacefully surrounded by loved ones. But the fact is, we're all going to die. Accept it and move on. Cold, I know, but I've always been more about living than dying. I've got no control over the dying (other than when and how, I guess); but I'm fully in control of living.

Am I wrong, especially now in the face of the coming storm, to want to spend as much time as possible with the people I love? To laugh, and joke, and eat, and run, and play and just suck every last drop out of it while we still HAVE LIFE?! I'm sorry, but if you're leaving my world because you're trying to protect me from your death, you couldn't be more wrong. You're hurting me more by depriving me of your love and friendship while we both are breathing. If you're leaving me because YOU can't deal with the thought of your own death, then that's a problem you really need to work on yourself. Each of us has a limited amount of time here; and if you're worried about dying in the coming storm, you aren't living the life you have left. And what happens if you get snuffed by some idiot talking on a cell phone while you're driving to work?! All that angst down the drain. Get over it.

Today is my first krav maga class, and I didn't get clearance from my doctor for full contact (stupid gall bladder). But the first class is usually an overview, lecture on safety, intro, blah, blah, blah. Scary how much I'm looking forward to the contact. I've got some serious pent-up emotions that need to be released.  What my ROTC cadre used to call the 3 F Syndrome (fuck, fight or flee).  Since the first isn't an option, and I'm tired of fleeing, that leaves fighting. Bring it.

Note: I'm not sure if I'm reading the comments wrong or if something I wrote was misunderstood. But I need to clarify for y'all that I don't have cancer. Aside from a gall bladder surgery a week ago and slight weight problem (okay, more than slight, bite me), I am disgustingly healthy. Physically. Mentally and emotionally, I'm pretty much beat to shit. But nobody ever died of a broken heart and a crushed ego, right? I want to thank all of you for your sweet thoughts and prayers, but I want to assure you I'll die of lead poisoning before any other malady.

Hugs, Angel

 

Bon Jovi "It's My Life"

 

"Better stand tall when they're calling you out

Don't bend, don't break, baby, don't back down "

 

"It's My Life"

This ain't a song for the broken-hearted
No silent prayer for the faith-departed
I ain't gonna be just a face in the crowd
You're gonna hear my voice
When I shout it out loud

[Chorus:]
It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just wanna live while I'm alive
It's my life

This is for the ones who stood their ground
For Tommy and Gina who never backed down
Tomorrow's getting harder make no mistake
Luck ain't even lucky
Got to make your own breaks

[Chorus:]
It's my life
And it's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just want to live while I'm alive
'Cause it's my life

Better stand tall when they're calling you out
Don't bend, don't break, baby, don't back down

[Chorus:]
It's my life
And it's now or never
'Cause I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just want to live while I'm alive

[Chorus:]
It's my life
And it's now or never
'Cause I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just want to live while I'm alive
'Cause it's my life!