Friday, January 30, 2015

With great power comph great rephonphibility

The Redhead Drinking Game

Something I've noticed the last few weeks is a plethora of gingers on tv shows and commercials. I swear, in one prime time hour last night, two shows and 12 commercials, only one commercial was lacking a redhead. It seems commercials are more prone to prominently display redheads, and shows will have at least one or two ginger extras for "color".

So the game is this, drink for every redhead you see on screen. One drink for background gingers, and two for primary gingers. And if you see a show or commercial without one? Write down the name of the show or product and send them to me. I'll handle it.

Okay, y'all, don't let me down

What questions would you ask of the fine folks at Auburn?

Derp on Ice


Smile at me. Compliment my appearance. Hell, you can even ask to touch my boobs. That's NOT discrimination, that's human interaction and it's a beautiful and natural thing. The REAL war on women is happening in the Islamic world. Let's stop man-bashing and start working on serious issues.

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Meanwhile at wirecutter's

I would have sent this kid dessert

Good Girl, Bad Girl

Truly one of the most embarrassing pieces of equipment in the gym. Especially if you've just recently eaten fart-inducing food.

  • Do NOT make eye contact with anyone in the gym while doing this.
  • Make sure your pants are hole-free in the crotch and/or wear underpants. 

That will either give people hope or heartburn

Well, color me shocked

We all knew he deserted. We knew Obama traded 5 terrorists for a deserter. What we didn't know is that the military would cross Obama and charge the deserter thus making the whole exchange look exactly like what it was: treason.

"Whoever, owing allegiance to the United States, levies war against them or adheres to their enemies, giving them aid and comfort within the United States or elsewhere, is guilty of treason and shall suffer death, or shall be imprisoned not less than five years and fined under this title but not less than $10,000; and shall be incapable of holding any office under the United States."

And that's in traffic

Lies, ALL lies

"I'll get to bed early tonight." and "I'll workout tomorrow."

Saturday, January 24, 2015

Dinner at Angel's

So, the Spouse has gone Paleo, the Cute Chicks still have their Autism food issues (no gluten, no casein, nothing too saucy or squishy, veggies raw, fruit or cookies for dessert. They love spaghetti as long as the sauce never touches the noodles.) So Spouse requires a special meal, Chicks require a special meal and I usually end up with a bowl of soup and a sammich.

Tonight, everybody has salad, then Spouse is on to liver and onions, steamed veggies, and quinoa with garlic; chicks have a GFCF pizza. And everybody has oatmeal raisin cookies. And me? I'm having an OCD PB&J.

So here's how I do it. Take two slices of bread out of the bag, avoiding the heel like ebola, and open them side by side mirror image. You want them to line up when you close the sammich. Spread peanut butter on BOTH pieces of bread, I'll tell you why in a minute, no globs and no flopping over the edges. Peanut butter must cover the full surface right up to the crust. I never use jelly, it's a globby spreading nightmare. Always jam, spread lightly across the peanut butter without disturbing it, stopping about 1/4 to 1/8 inch of the edges. Now, why is there peanut butter on both sides? Because it sticks together, sealing in the jelly. With your bread perfectly aligned, cut carefully on the diagonal.

And now everybody is fed and happy.

Bon apetit!

Family therapy

I don't even LIKE fig newtons

Never trust a man to design your armor

Come to the Dark Side*

*yes, we still have cookies.

Gonna be like this for a week or so

I'll be in my bunk

Truly painful to watch

I am pretty oblivious when it comes to flirting. Once in college, a fellow mass comm student and gorgeous starting tight end kept squeezing my ass when he'd pass by, and I'd promptly move and apologize for being in his way. Clueless.

Friday, January 23, 2015

So wirecutter's been to France

I sense a story. 
Uncle Wirecutter, can you tell us about 
the time you fucked up France?


Yeah, "E" and "L" are redundant. And if you need further proof, my real name has 2 E's and 2 L's.

I don't hang with vegans

Want. Need. Gotta have.

Freaking brilliant, don't care who you are

Worst thing about picnicking in Texas summers is trying to keep your drinks cold. This is outright redneck genius. Couple of drain plugs in the bottom, put your beer or sodas in there while you're eating your barbequed pig meat, drinks never get hot.

My DeerFuck Hat

My dearest "bosom buddy" Sara from Meeniesohtah (seriously, if you think my rack is impressive, you should see hers) sent me a wonderful Christmas present this year. A lovely pair of gloves after I admitted I had one glove of 5 pairs, a Minion ornament (hanging from the rearview mirror of the momvan) and a DeerFuck hat. I swear to God and all that's Holy, this is the warmest thing I've ever owned or ever will own. It's magical and oh so stylish. I happened to open the box in front of mom and Poppy who were over visiting and who just got through ranting about the hooligans who rearranged their mechanical lighted reindeer into an orgy. I pulled it out of the box and donned it without looking closely. Modeling for my folks, mom gasped and dissolved into giggles and Poppy, well, Poppy just growled "Good God, what next."

Thank you, Miss Sara!
I'm the most stylish doofus in my little Texas town!