Thursday, December 31, 2015

Happy New Year!

I think it's logical

Wise Advice from a Farmer's Wife

Whenever you return a borrowed pie pan, make sure it's got a warm pie in it.
Invite lots of folks to supper. You can always add more water to the soup.
There's no such thing as woman's work on a farm. There's just work.
Make home a happy place for the children. Everybody returns to their happy place.
Always keep a small light on in the kitchen window at night.
If your man gets his truck stuck in the field, don't go in after him. Throw him a rope and pull him out with the tractor.
Keep the kerosene lamp away from the the milk cow's leg.
It's a whole lot easier to get breakfast from a chicken than a pig.
Always pat the chickens when you take their eggs.
It's easy to clean an empty house, but hard to live in one.
All children spill milk. Learn to smile and wipe it up.
Homemade's always better'n store bought.
A tongue's like a knife. The sharper it is the deeper it cuts.
A good neighbor always knows when to visit and when to leave.
A city dog wants to run out the door, but a country dog stays on the porch 'cause he's not fenced-in.
Always light birthday candles from the middle outward.
Nothin' gets the frustrations out better'n splittn' wood.
The longer dress hem, the more trusting the husband.
Enjoy doing your children's laundry. Some day they'll be gone.
You'll never catch a runnin' chicken but if you throw seed around the back door you'll have a skillet full by supper.
Biscuits brown better with a little butter brushed on 'em.
Check your shoelaces before runnin' to help somebody.
Visit old people who can't get out. Some day you'll be one.
The softer you talk, the closer folks'll listen.
The colder the outhouse, the warmer the bed.

Trust me, it works

For those who resolve to eat healthier

For wirecutter

Who, if I recall, rolled his pickup (see exhibit A) and had to call his spouse for a ride. Something I, Angel, have never had to do.
Always remember, anything I find in a borrowed book
can and will be used against you.

Exhibit A

True Stories of a Real Ginger

People on the beach plop down next to me 
and use my body to reflect the sun's rays.

Sunday, December 27, 2015

The God's honest truth

Even though I've had several reasons, very good reasons, to be offended lately, I'm just not that easy to offend. First off, the offense has to come from someone I hold in high regard. Anyone else? Their opinions of me just don't matter. The people I respect also know and respect me. Second, if someone I respect says something that tweaks me, I have to consider the intent. Were they yanking my chain? I have no reason to be offended. Were they serious? Well now, let's talk about it. You see, people I respect are good friends, and good friends can talk to each other when things like that happen. You can honestly say, "Hey, what the fuck?" and have a good convo to hash things out. If they can't be hashed out, then you make a choice, forgive or leave. But having ongoing shit throwing contests? Resorting to playground bully tactics?  Whining about butthurt and doing sneaky underhanded shit that just isn't necessary but will brand you a weak-ass crybaby? I simply don't have time for that fuckery.

Some days are just golden

Got this in an email from wirecutter. He said I could share it with y'all:

"I'm blasting down 580 this morning after getting off work early and in the slow lane I see a Jeep Cherokee in the slow lane with out of state plates. As I get closer I see that they're Idaho plates and I go "Hmmm, didn't Sensitive Holly say in her restraining order exhibits that her and Sammy Sharpton drive a jeep?" 
As I pull up even with it I can see it ain't Sammy - for one thing the guy can see above the dash. Actually, it's a young guy driving and when he notices me looking at him he glances up and then does a double take, gets a big smile on his face and waves at me. I waved back thinking "Cool, I actually ran into a reader today" and pulled up and then settled into the slow lane to get off on 132  a couple miles up and as I check my mirror I see the Idaho guy pull out and then get next to me, matching my speed and gesturing for me to roll down my window. As soon as I did, he leans across his cab and yells "FUCK SAM KERODIN!!!" and then he laughs and pulls away, leaving me with a big smile on my face.
"Opera Non Verba"

West Texas Wind Chill

Care to join me in the library?

The foliage looks tropical, and hence WARM.

Well, that sums it up nicely.

Pain fades. Chicks dig scars. Glory lasts forever.

Monday, December 21, 2015

And then he kisses your neck

Christmas decorations gone wrong

I have been known to do this

Wine in juice boxes is brilliant. And string cheese!!!!

Meet Max, my personal trainer

Okay, I'm gasping for air and nursing a twisted ankle as I type this, so bear with me.

Let Max out to do his morning business and he promptly forgets peeing when he manages to flush a rabbit. The rabbit, running for his life, outran Max, who was caught with his puppy pants down, and escaped under the fence. Max the Magnificent was not to be so easily deterred. He ran up and down the fence, trying to fit through any hole or gap he could find. Twenty minutes of fruitless, frustrating exercise and still no potty business.

Okay, Mr. Maximum Energy, time to see what's beyond the fence. I got his blue whales matching leash, hooked him up and hit the walking trail. This is the same 2.5 mile trek Charlie and I would take, down country roads out of the city limits. I figure we'd only do half since his legs are 1/3 the length of Charlie's. I underestimated him badly.

This little 20-pound wunderhound dragged my 200+-pound ass the entire 2.5 miles, shaving 10 minutes off my best time WHILE stopping to inspect Charlie's favorite rabbit holes and pee on every tree (shut up Terry in FL) and post that Snoopy ever peed on. So much pee! What keeps him from dehydrating?!

By the time we turned to head back, I was gasping, cramping, whimpering, and expecting him to get tired and slow down any. minute. now. PLEASE. Last half mile, I was praying with everything in my soul someone would drive by and offer us a ride home. No such luck. Max dragged me the rest of the way, up the steps (I crawled) and into the laundry room where I collapsed. My faithful pooch climbed over my prone carcass to get to his food and water, sated his thirst, climbed back over me and headed to his spot on the couch. So much for the legacy of Lassie going for help.

If we do this every day, I'll be swimsuit ready by May.

Sunday, December 20, 2015

I'd go to Starbucks if they offered this option

When I wasn't cowering in my safe place

Free Range Cowboy

Yeah, that's not gonna happen

Many years ago, about this time of year, our new dog Charlie gave birth to seven puppies. She was dumped in front of our house, pregnant and emaciated, so skinny you could see the pups in her belly. It took the better part of 10 days to get her trust and got her settled in the backyard. Four days later, puppies! Teen Queen was a wee bit, all of three, and I'd get up in the morning and find her snuggled next to Charlie and the pups. Homes were found for all of them, with my folks taking Snoopy. So up until a couple of months ago, we still had a connection to her.

Fast forward to this month. Max is fitting in to the family, finding his comfort zone, and TQ is absolutely head over heels for him. The only problem? She's expecting puppies in the next couple of weeks. How do I explain to a cute chick who has no understanding of anatomy and sex that Max, being a male, is not going to be having puppies any time soon? Just when you thought life was easing up a bit...

When "skinny jeans" becomes a pejorative

I'm getting these for all you cranky fuckers

(Yes, wirecutter's at the top of the list).

National Geographic secrets revealed