Wednesday, April 30, 2014


I'm sorry, Ayn, it's gotten worse

I did NOT see that on the menu

Rock 'n' Roll

Well, um yeah, that was fun

Divers scoured the bottom of Lake Conroe in the hope of recovering a controversial $250,000 police drone that crashed into the water Friday.
The Montgomery County Sheriff's Office confirmed the remote-controlled helicopter drone, which was bought in 2011 with a federal grant, suffered a malfunction and went down during an exercise over the lake.
The drone is equipped with a camera and an infrared scanning device and is used by MCSO for emergency management, missing-person recovery and operation overwatch, for example filming above SWAT team activities, spokesman Brady Fitzgerald said.
"Divers did go down to look for it. They are still looking. It went down in deep water where there is a rocky bottom. Visibility is also a problem because of sediment at the bottom of the lake," Fitzgerald said Monday.
A further search Tuesday also failed to recover the drone with divers saying choppy water made things difficult.
The mini helicopter, which weighs around 49 pounds, and, in a military setting, could be fitted with a single- or multiple-shot 40mm grenade launcher, 25mm grenade launcher or 12 gauge shotgun, according to Vanguard Defense Industries.
Couple of things here, don't you just hate it when the kids break their expensive toys the day after Christmas? And second, why in God's name does a city police department need a piece of military equipment capable of carrying grenade launchers or a shotgun?
This isn't THE DRONE IN QUESTION, but it's from the same company and it's funny as hell. The dumbasses crashed their $300K taxpayer funded toy into their own damn SWAT vehicle. From March 2012.

Monday, April 28, 2014

Technical difficulties

Blogger is playing hide and seek with some of y'all's comments. Some are going straight into the spam folder (sorry wirecutter, I'm not ignoring you), some get published and then disappear into the spam folder, and some I publish and they get completely erased. So if you've commented and it hasn't shown up, I'm not being mean. I promise. I'll try to get this figured out ASAP. Commenting with y'all is the closest I get to real grownup conversation most days.

Can y'all come up with more?


we could order pizza and screw around until the game starts.

And.... she's off her meds again

Damn, now I'm singing it

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Two glasses of wine and I can't stop giggling

The cure for PMS

Oh! Wiseguy, eh?

When you get it

you'll laugh and I'll save you a seat on the bus to hell. 

Why I don't teach sex ed anymore

Texas Twister Chili on the stove

Texas Chili Taster
Notes From "Frank" - An Inexperienced Chili Taster who was visiting Texas:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (NativeTexans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy.
Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.
Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn-Down-the-Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back so hard my backbone is now in the front part of my chest.
Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue as I swallowed, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.
Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Chili #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.
Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the new 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Chili #8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild not hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
FRANK: -------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

Thanks to balloon2 for the chuckles, time to go stir the chili. 

Twidiots (Twitter Idiots, i.e. 99% of people on Twitter)

Saturday, April 26, 2014

Seasonal friends and life friends

(Composed last December, held on to it for a while until things eased up)

This has always been an issue with me. I have a hard time letting go and hang on to people and things long after it's time. Seriously, you should have seen Teddie who had a prominent place on my bed well through college. It was bad, very bad. So in my middle age, I'm learning a lesson that most people grasp in their youths. Seasons change, life goes on.  And the lesson today is seasonal friends and life friends.

Have you ever had that person in your life that just clicked? From the very beginning, there was something so solid and lasting that the only word for it is "always"? I have one very strong example of a life friend. I moved next door to her family when she was 3 and I was 18 months. We're still just as strong and solid as ever. The kind of friend you know, no matter where we are or what's going on, if one of us is in trouble the other will come running. If we're not already handcuffed to the same bench. There is a comfort in knowing that. Through every imaginable curve life can throw, births, deaths, weddings, divorces, heartbreak and joy, she's there for me. She's not the only one, there are others I consider to be life friends. That's kind of my thing, I love for life. Whether you like it or not.

The thing I never got the hang of is seasonal friends. People who move in and out of your life at certain times to either bring you knowledge, skills, laughter, peace or painful lessons. They come in and I get attached. I move them into my heart as life friends never considering the possibility they would ever want to move on; that no matter how much I want them in my life, they don't feel a need to be there. When they do decide to take their leave, they take that piece of my heart with them. So my inclination is to move heaven and earth to hang on to that piece of my heart, causing myself and them more pain than is necessary.

So, what do you do when someone you consider a lifelong "always" friend considers you a "seasonal" friend and is ready to move on? If you love someone, truly love them, then you want what's best for them. You want to honor what they want and need, even if it isn't what you want and need. But how do you do that and remain whole? How do you do what's best for someone else and still remain true to your heart? Good question, I'll let you know when I have the answer. For now, my lesson is to learn that, no matter how much I want or need them, there will come a time when they're no longer there. And it's okay, let the pain move through you and live to love another day.

The best I can do is compromise. First, I'll honor your need to move on, kiss you and wish you well, maybe hug you a little too tight for a little too long. And then I will honor who I am by loving you always and keeping the door open and a light burning. You should go knowing that anytime during your journey, you shouldn't be afraid to pick up the phone.

I'll be here for you. Always.

Author's Revision:
Another wise friend advised me to hold on to this one, to wait until the pain wasn't so vivid, read over it, and see if anything had changed. And son of a bitch, there's a small but significant addition. What I'm now calling "Satellite Friends". These tend to be soulmates, forever friends who are on a different orbit that occassionally crosses your orbit and you go through your lives. For the time you are in each other's plane, you pick up right where you left off, no awkwardness, no distance. You're just as comfortable and in synch as you ever were. And then things change, times change, demands pull you apart and you both must follow your own path. But there is peace, a deep comfort in knowing that they are still out there and eventually your paths will again cross. You haven't lost them, they aren't gone. But for both of your sakes, you have to learn to love them with open arms, welcoming them when they come to you, and blessing them when they leave. I have a Satellite Soulmate who I cherish dearly.

Okay, the honey badger does give a fuck

Look at me balls, mate!

Stoffel the honey badger is a bad boy who can't be contained. Can't be caged. And when they tried to distract him with a female honey badger, he did what honey badgers do. He took her innocence and turned her into his willing accomplice. Oh Stoffel, you rogue. See? Honey badgers do give a fuck.


Thanks to wirecutter for the link. He finally gave me something useful. :-)

More redneck ingenuity

Parenting Fail: Level Dumbass

Friday, April 25, 2014

I need a double dose

Vintage Pontiac ad

They knew what was important in a good car back in the 50s. 
God knows you didn't want to 
crimp your crinolines in the back seat.

A valid question

My dream home

This is the Black Bear Chalet from Lazarus Log Homes. It's a three-level, 4 bedroom, 3 bath, with 1960 square feet. The lumber reclamation program helps the environment (shut up, the most environmentally friendly people I've ever met are Patriots, Tea Partiers and Libertarians), and keeps the price down.

The kit is about $56K, plus your foundation, electrical and plumbing, and labor. The sweat equity you can contribute, and I can do A LOT, keeps it really reasonable. Now I just have to stake out my perfect piece of paradise.

Best warning label ever

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Keeping y'all busy for a while

New TSA slogan

Hah! TSA, the joke's on you!
I'm not wearing any!

Damn Millenials

Guess what this is?

Answer and more pics after the break

Think he'll get a ticket for the cell phone?

Once again, tights are NOT pants

A reminder of who I am

                           The Female of the Species
    WHEN the Himalayan peasant meets the he-bear in his pride,
    He shouts to scare the monster, who will often turn aside.
    But the she-bear thus accosted rends the peasant tooth and nail.
    For the female of the species is more deadly than the male.

    When Nag the basking cobra hears the careless foot of man,
    He will sometimes wriggle sideways and avoid it if he can.
    But his mate makes no such motion where she camps beside the trail.
    For the female of the species is more deadly than the male.

    When the early Jesuit fathers preached to Hurons and Choctaws,
    They prayed to be delivered from the vengeance of the squaws.
    'Twas the women, not the warriors, turned those stark enthusiasts pale.
    For the female of the species is more deadly than the male.

    Man's timid heart is bursting with the things he must not say,
    For the Woman that God gave him isn't his to give away;
    But when hunter meets with husbands, each confirms the other's tale—
    The female of the species is more deadly than the male.

    Man, a bear in most relations—worm and savage otherwise,—
    Man propounds negotiations, Man accepts the compromise.
    Very rarely will he squarely push the logic of a fact
    To its ultimate conclusion in unmitigated act.

    Fear, or foolishness, impels him, ere he lay the wicked low,
    To concede some form of trial even to his fiercest foe.
    Mirth obscene diverts his anger—Doubt and Pity oft perplex
    Him in dealing with an issue—to the scandal of The Sex!

    But the Woman that God gave him, every fibre of her frame
    Proves her launched for one sole issue, armed and engined for the same;
    And to serve that single issue, lest the generations fail,
    The female of the species must be deadlier than the male.

    She who faces Death by torture for each life beneath her breast
    May not deal in doubt or pity—must not swerve for fact or jest.
    These be purely male diversions—not in these her honour dwells—
    She the Other Law we live by, is that Law and nothing else.

    She can bring no more to living than the powers that make her great
    As the Mother of the Infant and the Mistress of the Mate.
    And when Babe and Man are lacking and she strides unclaimed to claim
    Her right as femme (and baron), her equipment is the same.

    She is wedded to convictions—in default of grosser ties;
    Her contentions are her children, Heaven help him who denies!—
    He will meet no suave discussion, but the instant, white-hot, wild,
    Wakened female of the species warring as for spouse and child.

    Unprovoked and awful charges—even so the she-bear fights,
    Speech that drips, corrodes, and poisons—even so the cobra bites,
    Scientific vivisection of one nerve till it is raw
    And the victim writhes in anguish—like the Jesuit with the squaw!

    So it comes that Man, the coward, when he gathers to confer
    With his fellow-braves in council, dare not leave a place for her
    Where, at war with Life and Conscience, he uplifts his erring hands
    To some God of Abstract Justice—which no woman understands.

    And Man knows it! Knows, moreover, that the Woman that God gave him
    Must command but may not govern—shall enthral but not enslave him.
    And She knows, because She warns him, and Her instincts never fail,
    That the Female of Her Species is more deadly than the Male.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

I call mine.... nevermind

Damn, I hate when that happens

And now the song is stuck in your head. 
heh heh heh

Happy San Jacinto Day, y'all!

This is the true Texans' holiday, the day that the Republic of Texas won her independence from Mexico in the Battle of San Jacinto.  178 years ago, in present day Harris county, the Texas army engaged and defeated General Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna's Mexican army in a fight that lasted a whole 18 minutes.
That's right, 18 minutes. About 630 Mexican soldiers were killed and 730 captured, while only 9 Texans lost their lives on the battlefield. On the marshland north of Galveston Bay,the battle cries of "Remember the Alamo" and "Remember Goliad" rang out from the Lone Star soldiers.

Santa Anna, the President of Mexico, was captured the next day and held as a prisoner of war. Three weeks later, he signed the Peace Treaty that dictated the Mexican army leave the region, paving the way for the Republic of Texas to become an independent country.

Lesson of the Day:
Don't fucking mess with Texas.

Monday, April 21, 2014