Monday, March 28, 2016

No matter how bleak my life seems

I've never purchased loose tampons from Goodwill.

Sadly, I have done this

Family game night at the Westheimer house

Some things I didn't know about Dr. Ruth Westheimer:
1. She was a trained sniper with the Israeli Defense Force.
2. She almost lost both legs when a cannon ball from Jordan
smashed through the wall of her dormitory and exploded.
3. Before she became a sex therapist, she taught kindergarten.

Now I want to do this

Thursday, March 24, 2016

The last time I was asked to bring cookies to Sunday school

"By the tingling of my tits..."

Something wicked this way flits....

I swear, I can tell when the weather is about to change...

The FLOTUS Kerfuffle

I've got a few thoughts on the ongoing Trump-Cruz First Lady fuss.

First, some background. Someone in the Cruz "camp" who Cruz doesn't acknowledge as speaking for him, but whatareyagonnado?, released this meme of Melania Trump:

Let's all take a minute to give thanks that neither of the McCain or Romney campaigns thought to do this with Michelle Obama. Amen.

Trump responded with a threat to "spill the beans" about Heidi Cruz. And now my points.
  1. Our current FLOTUS, Mooch, and going back to Hillary, should have taught us that the First Lady is no longer a benign position. First Ladies have been given or grabbed unprecedented power in our country. As a non-elected position, you really need to know what you're getting in the spouse. 
  2. Everyone is losing their shit over "spilling the beans" referring to Heidi Cruz's well-documented bout of depression. Sorry, but those beans done been spilled. What people are not considering is that Mrs. Cruz has been and is still an investment banker with Goldman-Sachs, one of the most powerful and crooked investment firms out there. Harken back to the days of the financial meltdown. How often did you hear Goldman-Sachs mentioned? What if, and just humor me here, Trump has information on Heidi Cruz pertaining to her work at G-S? As she's not indicated an intention to step down or even go on hiatus if her husband is elected, you've got to wonder about her ethics and how much influence she would have.
  3. Scroll back up and look at that pic again. I'm a woman, a heterosexual woman, but damn. Wouldn't it be nice to win the "Our First Lady is Hotter Than Your First Lady" game? Just saying we could do worse. She's lived in a Communist country and detests all forms of Socialism, she's educated, speaks several languages fluently and is poised. Further, Mrs. Trump has indicated that she would return the position of  First Lady to a more traditional role, staying out of the business of governing the nation.
Now, let's all just settle down. If there is something significant that we need to know about any of the spouses, (and that includes you, Mr. Clinton), bring it on. I don't want to have any more "surprises" in the First Lady.

For the Love of God and all that's Holy

Settle down, folks. The picture of "Mom Slushies" is just that, slushies in wine bottles from Bring Your Own Cup Day at the local Kwik-E-Mart. That's not even me or the momvan.

I know better than to drink and drive. I don't even drive on OTC allergy meds. So chill out, it's all good.

Monday, March 21, 2016

Blog of the Day: Everybody Has to Be Somewhere

BW is one of my favorite bloggers. He doesn't do funny memes or political rants. What he does offer is travel to uniquely beautiful places around Canada. The photography is his, the observations are his, and it's quite often breathtaking. He'll take you off the beaten path to ghost towns and ruins, show you places that have history. So please go check him out and make him a regular visit. You won't be disappointed.

Happy birthday mom!

Seventy-five years ago (that's 75, folks), a legend was born. The woman who terrorizes Democrats in the Greater Tri-State Area, the Scourge of the Editorial Page, my mother. Mom has been writing letters to the editor of the Amarillo Globe-News for longer than I've had a blog. And she has quite the following. We regularly get the, "Are you THE MARY CHUMBLEY???" question every time she uses her credit cards, signs her name, or flashes her driver's license. Legend has it, she gave a State Trooper an autograph, and she wasn't even speeding.

She has her own fan club, and not all of them are seniors. When we're out together, I'm not Angel, The Lonely Libertarian. I'm Mary Chumbley's daughter, and damned proud of it.

Happy birthday, Mom! Thank you for raising me to be a strong, opinionated redhead. I love you!

My mom's latest letter is HERE

I think I need this

Damn skippy I'm an angry adult

THIS. This is exactly why we have idiot snowflakes blocking traffic protesting another citizen's right to Freedom of Speech and then bitching when the traffic tries to run them down. This is why we have Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders and why normally calm and rational adults are ready to vote for Trump to burn the motherfucking GOP to the ground. So snapchat your little pitiful lives away, children, for the world you inherit is of your own damned making.

Thursday, March 17, 2016

WC's and Miss Lisa's Excellent Adventure

As most of you already know, wirecutter is close to retirement and then he and his lovely wife Miss Lisa and their two furry charges are heading East. It's going to be a long trek, and no matter how much someone plan's and saves, there will always be come-ups.

WC has devised a fundraiser, a piece of Knuckledraggin', a way to help out and spread the word among the lost of humanity. He's got these for sale:

The stickers measure 12"x5" and has a grid on the back if you want to separate it. They sport black lettering on a clear background, and he'll have them for sale for $12 for the first and $10 for each subsequent sticker. Now, I'm not going to advocate vandalism, but if you know of someone who could use a good dose of Libertarian rants and MILFs, you might do them a favor by giving them one. Or two. 

If you want to help out even further, send wc a self-addressed envelope and help defray the shipping costs. I'm going to have one on the momvan and mom and Poppy are going to sport one on their new CRV. If you're in a heavily PC and Democrat area of the world, you definitely need these. The more Knuckledraggers, the better the world. 

Wirecutter has the order info up HERE,

Please show your support for WC and Miss Lisa. And spread the love.

Women's Studies has its own award

The internet has ruined me.
I used to be so sweet and innocent.

It worked once

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Memory foam mattresses remember everything

Happy Pre-St. Patrick's Day!

An interesting proposition

A call out of the blue from an old school mate has presented me with an interesting challenge. She's trying out for the Route 66 RollerDerby and has invited me to try out with her. Hmmmm.....

So yeah, I'm almost 50 and I'm slightly (cough, cough) overweight, but I'm still reasonably athletic and am containing a boiling cauldron of aggression needing an outlet. This could work. She remembers me from junior high and high school basketball where I was considered fierce and unrelenting under the basket. Granted, I'm not the fastest runner, and my lack of coordination affected dribbling and shooting, but jumping and slamming? Oh hell yeah. I was all knees and elbows, I could jump like a kangaroo (lower body strength from shot and discuss training), and I was fearless with a Celtic warrior's taste for blood and pain. I was sneaky as shit and an excellent actress so I drew more fouls than were called on me, and I'm pretty sure the only points I scored were free throws. In five years, I think I fouled out only a handful of times.

I owned the paint.

So imagine if you will, Avenging Angel on skates wreaking havoc and raining pain on the hapless opponents of the Route 66 Roller Derby. I'll let you know how tryouts go.

I actually carry a Black Sharpie everywhere

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

It took me a while

Spring Break Parent Hostage Crisis 2016

What do you get when you "spring forward" right before Spring Break?

Chaos. You get fucking chaos!

You get Cute Chicks who are confused about bedtimes, and worse, getting up times. They're groggy, grumpy, don't want to do shit because that would mean getting dressed (wait, that one's mine), eating machines.

Status Report:

Parental Sanity 40%
Snack stores 60%
Booze stores Almost depleted

All is lost.    

Monday, March 14, 2016

Please. Take. More. Chances.

Coming of age

Well, that was fun.

When I take Max for his evening stroll, we only go down the street a ways, so I'm not worried about the chicks. How much trouble can they get into in 30 minutes? Yeah, I'm that stupid. Or I've been that lucky. Nope. Stupid.

We were returning for our walkies and heard Teen Queen's Cher album blaring from the garage. I'm thinking, "Oh shit, she's got the auxiliary turned on and listening to her tunes in the van." Mildly disturbing, but she's done it before. We hit the end of the driveway and I see the parking lights on and hear the engine running. "Oh FUCK!" I hit a sprint (yeah, big tits and all running like a rhino), and hit the garage in time to see her pop it into drive and bump the air compressor and work bench. (shut up, wirecutter, I don't want to hear it). Fortunately, TQ had the smarts to hit the brakes, but me screaming at her to unlock the door rattled her. She started crying and fumbling (later I remembered I had the other set of keys in my pocket. duh.) and finally hit the locks. Yanking the door open, putting it in park and turning it off, I became Poppy. "What the hell were you doing? YOU CAN'T DRIVE! GET THE HELL OUT OF MY VAN!!!"

I don't have to tell you this is the wrong tack to take with a female teenager (she's actually almost 21). And if you've been reading my Autism posts, you know this is the way way WAY WRONG tack to take. But take it I did. We're both having meltdowns, her in the van, me outside in the garage. Max is cowering and having second thoughts about his new family. I finally came to my senses, closed the van door on her, closed the garage door, and came inside to finish calming down. About 15 minutes later, TQ came in the door crying. apologizing and shaking. At that point, I was still halfway between hugging her and choking her to death. And I'm really hoping the second or third Jack and Coke will calm my nerves.

So really, this was a coming of age for both of us. I sometimes don't see past the Autism to the young lady she is. The truth is she's very observant and brilliantly resourceful. She might one day be able to drive, just not reliably. So she's proven to me that she can get into all sorts of mischief when I'm gone, and I will no longer leave the van keys in an accessible spot.

FYI, she and Max are chilling on the couch watching "Home" on Netflix, and I'm on my third JD. No Coke in this one, those things will kill you.

And they can't come to a consensus

Half of them want fruity umbrella drinks, and half want whisky.

Meanwhile in Florida

Well, this is awkward