Finally functional fashion from Chanel

For you boob men

Meet 21 year old Jasmine Tridevil (just a guess, but that's not her real last name). She wasn't satisfied with more mundane choices of career, she wanted the limelight. Her moment in the sun. Fame and fortune. And she would stop at nothing to become the next big reality tv star. Now, how does an average American girl with $20K and not a lick of sense or decency achieve stardom? I'm glad you asked.

That's right. Instead of investing in training or education, instead of investing in a business venture or creative endeavor, Ms. Tridevil bought herself a booby. One. Singular. You know, to nestle between the other two. Because that's what the world needs, a self-absorbed, empty, soulless, 3-titttied freak show with her own reality series.

I weep for this country.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2765212/Woman-21-pays-20-000-surgically-add-breast-desperate-bid-reality-TV-star.html?ito=social-facebook

WANT

I want to run away from home in THIS.

Stop! Just.....stop.

Ladies, I'm sorry if you're sporting this 'do,

but someone needs to have an honest chat with y'all.

This is not attractive.

This is not natural.

This is the hallmark of a female douchebag.

So please, let it grow out,

(seriously, what's with the 2 inch chop in the middle of your crown??)

and try for something less bitchy.

Thank you.

Oh, and lose the sperm earring.

Frequently

Sometimes I need a reminder

http://youtu.be/e7CxCz3ijfg

I thought it was just me

And I gave each of the little bastards a tragic backstory.

Decisions and priorities

The Tribe has spoken

Captain America knows

What could possibly go wrong?

How wirecutter lost his job at Hallmark

Dump her ass, dude

I don't care how hot she is, stupid like that should not be tolerated.

As Angel bangs her head on the keyboard....

Minions!

Happiness

Something that's been pretty scarce around here lately. It seems like there's always one more crisis, one more bit of bad news, one more loved one with a death sentence (Fuck Cancer). When the folks went on vacation a few weeks ago, we puppysat Snoopy for them, and I handled their travel arrangements and hotel reservations. Things went screwy, as they always do, and I somehow lost them on the Vegas Strip at 10 pm after they'd been driving for 10 hours. I got them back to the road their hotel was on, and they overshot it. Three times. The last time, I heard my mom exclaim, "Bill!" and the phone went dead. It was about midnight my time, I hadn't showered yet, and the girls were going to be up in a few hours for school. So on the verge of tears, not ready to be an orphan, I got ready for bed praying the whole time. Tried their cell one more time, straight to voicemail, so I called the front desk of their hotel, not really sure what I was going to ask, but determined not to blurt out, "I've lost my folks!" I calmly ~cough~ explained the situation and inquired if they had managed to check in. The desk clerk, bless her, told me that they had indeed checked in and would I like her to ring their room? YES! So hearing their voices and sure they were safe and sound, I tucked them in and went to bed.

My eye started twitching that night and hasn't stopped. Some days it's barely noticeable, some days it's like an epileptic morse code operator. Last night it felt like a strobe light. But today is a really rough day, digesting the latest news that a dear friend and Teen Queen's Godmother is facing terminal breast cancer and facing my own mammogram in the morning. And I get a lovely surprise package. My folks sent me a Thank You Pig. I'm smiling every time I look at him.

Thanks mom and Poppy, love you beyond words!