Monday, May 20, 2019

Um, hi?

You know how you feel when you've been out of touch with someone for so long you're not really sure how to open up the lines again? Well, hi.

It's been over a year since we last chatted, during the darkest, bleakest, worst days of my life. Days I wasn't sure I was going to survive, and to be honest, wasn't sure I wanted to. But here I am, and yeah, I don't know. ~awkward shifting of feet, and biting lips~

When I started this blog, gathering friends and family along the way, I was a way different woman; different outlook, different concerns, different goals. The most shared comment I heard those first few weeks after losing Sarah was, "Death of a loved one will fundamentally change you, and if you aren't careful, you'll get lost trying to find your way back." After the first three months when the fog of shock lifted and the full force of losing my Big Girl hit me, I realized I wasn't me anymore. Most of my waking (and sleeping) thoughts were on my girls, but mostly on Sarah. My time, focus, energy and wits were completely involved in keeping her alive, happy and healthy. And now she's gone. Yes, I know I have Jaylee Bean who still needs me; who always needed me, but due to the differences in their personalities, was often overlooked. Jay was the easy child, and I never worried about her. But suddenly she was the sole focus of my attention and I realized after 20 years, I hardly knew her. I had her likes and dislikes, schedules, favorite foods, etc., but I didn't really know her. She's got her Poppy's drought-dry sense of humor. How can you tell a non-verbal person has a sardonic sense of humor? You wait for the dust devils and tumbleweeds to roll by. She observes everything. And she passes judgment. One of the things her teachers and I discuss is her ability to cut you to the core with a look of derision. If you get on her bad side, she'll give you the cold shoulder. Again, how is that different from just not being able to talk? Jay can ignore you so hard you start to doubt your own existence. And you will do whatever it takes to make it end. She knows this. Which is probably why I don't really worry about her. If I die, there will be fresh minions to take my place.

Her teacher's favorite saying, "It's Jay's circus and we're just her trained monkeys." Truth.

Six months after, the pain started lessening and I started to panic. It felt like losing her all over again. If I laughed, or had a good day, or ~gasp~ enjoyed myself, I got hit with an overwhelming wave of guilt. What kind of monster would stop grieving long enough to laugh? That's when I sought grief counseling. This was something I couldn't fix myself, I was too close to see the damage I was doing to myself and family. Something I heard repeatedly, from my counselor and the other parents in the support group, "If the grief doesn't get you, the guilt and regret will." And it's true. So many nights I kept running different scenarios, reliving that horrible morning trying to see what I did wrong. So much time spent feeling guilty over things I didn't do, did do, didn't think to do. I was told that the guilt and regret are often ways of avoiding feeling the loss. As long as you keep thinking you could have done something, you don't have to face the reality that you can't do anything anymore. It's out of your hands. She's gone and nothing I can do will change it. Feeling good, having a good day, wasn't betraying her, wasn't forgetting her, it was living. Something I still have to choose to do every morning.

Nine months after brought Her Season. Sarah loved the Fall; football games, Halloween, Thanksgiving (turkey and pumpkin pie), and then Christmas. Each first without her was brutal. But not just for me; the whole family was grieving and didn't feel like celebrating. We didn't see anybody for any of the holidays. We just couldn't without her. And then, BOOM, the first anniversary of losing her. I still have a hard time saying "her death", too harsh. Mom and Poppy came over to spend the day with me. Spouse had to be on the road, so he suffered alone in a stupid hotel room in Vancouver. To be honest, I don't remember anything that happened that day. Mom had to remind me they spent it with me. And then, last Saturday, May 18, would have been her 24th birthday. We spent it doing everything but talking about it. It was also Panhandle High School's Prom night. Just too much to deal with. Until it was bedtime and I brought it up. Spouse hadn't even realized it was the 18th, which I can't blame since he'd been on vacation all week and you know how that messes with your calendar. But still. I felt like I suffered alone all day. I've got to stop that. So Sunday, I took a walk along the South Turkey Creek Trail at Lake Meredith and spent the whole morning with my Sweet Sarah. We had a good talk and she reminded me that life goes on and it's still beautiful if you're willing to see it.










85 comments:

Peter said...

Glad you're alive. Hope things get way better.

jim rock said...

Hi

wirecutter said...

We miss your posts. Writing can be therapeutic, you know.

brdwzhr said...

its a trivial saying but time helps heal all wounds and speaking and listening helps it move a little faster. thanks for writing again

Rick said...

H,
After losing my wife to cancer less than 3 months ago, I know that I will face some of the same issues you did in losing your daughter, but I would like to share this. Grief and life share 2 properties. Everyone's gets the blessings and the trials that come with. How we react to them is really up to us. For what it's worth, for me when I choose to focus on the blessings she brought me whenever the memories trigger all that can be triggered, and not as much on the dark side of that which comes, I have a better day for it. Nothing replaces the loss of our loved one, but if you are a Christian I know that you know where she is. And for me, knowing that the love of my life is walking arm in arm w/ our Lord, telling Him first hand what kind of blessing I was to her in her life, and how much she longs to see me reunited with her and Him, I know that I am truly blessed to have that kind of advocate in Heaven. Celebrate your daughter's life, and let the tears when they come be the reminder of what a special blessing your daughter was to you, a reminder of the longing that you have to see her again, and something which shapes you to be a better person in honor of her memory.

Anyway, that's what I'm trying to do, and I believe it helps me. My prayers today will be for you and your extended family.
-R

DaveS said...

And for a bit from the old ground-pounding infantry - Keep on keepin' on.

Anonymous said...

Losing a child is like losing a limb, you never out grow it. the void is always there but we incorporate it into our lives given time, support and love.
Draninus

Irish said...

Hideeho Angel! 😊

Bobo the Hobo said...

Welcome back. I hope you can find the strength to tell us more stories of your girls. Jay sounds like a hoot!

OldAFSarge said...

Good to know you're still there. Stay strong.

AbbyS said...

Cyber hugs from Wampum PA. Prayers for you and your fam.

Wraith said...

Welcome back--we all missed you!

Keangnt said...

Glad to hear from you. I know I miss your writing. I hope you are able to find your way back to the blog. It probably would be good for you.

Jesse in DC said...

So nice to hear your voice. FWIW, we grieve with you, but not AS you.Hugs from the commentariot. The pics are beautiful...

JeremyR said...

Welcome back. I know what you are going through. Been there myself. t hurt, it will always hurt some. For me, I can rest in the knowledge that my daughter had a special relationship with our LORD.

Beans said...

Uh... welcome back. I've missed you. Glad to know you are still there.

Now, can you please slam Wirecutter like you used to? He's been getting uppity lately.

Phillip said...

Hi. We missed you. Whenever you're ready to come back to us, we'll be here.

Anonymous said...

"and now abideth faith, hope, and love...and the greatest of these is love"....She will always abide in your heart, and She will help you continue to share that love with others.

vaquero viejo

Rob said...

It's good to see you back.

Rat Bastard said...

Welcome Back, We Missed You!

Anonymous said...

I'm glad to see your alive. We missed you.

Exile1981

JC said...

Glad to have you back, sugar. Missed you.

benerval7 said...

Welcome back. Next month will be 5 years since I watched my son slip away. So much of your writing is spot-on with that first year after his passing. I have found out the hard way how easy it was to get lost in all of it. It was, and still is a struggle every day. although it has gotten a bit easier, it has not gone away, I have not "gotten over it", and I have not "moved on". The guilt over having good days has gotten less. The struggle to find a little bit of happy in life has gotten easier too. There will be struggles in the future, but it sounds like you are finding the tools to help you cope with the new reality.

Anonymous said...

Welcome back Angel, you were mightily missed by your online "family". Feel free to sound off as necessary.

fRed

Anonymous said...

Glad to see this. It never goes away, but it gets a little better over time. We missed you! Hang in there!

Strnj1 said...

Smile, M'lady...

We've all missed you...

lineman said...

Welcome Back Angel...Glad you're slowly healing...

loadedforbear said...

My wife lost an adult son, before I met her. While she is the strongest person I know, she still gets a little quiet on a few special days, even after 10 years. You don't have to forget, and it's ok to continue on with your life. Your family needs you, too.

JPD said...

So pleased to see you back.

RickH said...

Missed you.

RHT447 said...

Yes, welcome back! So glad to hear you are still standing. Time may not heal all wounds, but is does dull the pain. Remember, she is always with you, even now as you read this. When you have a good day, when you smile, it's OK. When you laugh, it's OK. It's OK because she smiles and laughs with you, because that is her wish for you.

And what Beans said. Go smack Wirecutter, just because. So many of us out here who would be delighted to hold your coat.

grayjohn said...

Hi, it's an honor to make your acquaintance.

OC said...

Angel, reading your post some dust got in my eyes..... It's nice to hear you are (slowly) healing. As many have said, you have been missed.

nonncom said...

We are blessed with a human feature that allows bad memories to fade and good ones to persevere....our loved ones who pass before us would never begrudge us a good time....so raise a glass, and do it in their name.....God Bless....

Daryl said...

Good to hear from you Angel. You were always one of the bright spots on the internet.
Daryl

Anonymous said...

Before I read a word, we LOVE you His Wise Angel. Great God Almighty Love you, he loves your face, he loves yout voice, and he LOVES you soul. Heaven would not be the place he planned if you were not there, so his Son, took every sin for you, this also was done by LOVE.
Now I will go and read what you wrote, and most likely cry, because when you write it moves my soul.

Steve in KY

Smoker78 said...

Hi Angel, Thank you for posting. Losing a child leaves a deep scar that never goes away, and it shouldn't. We just try to continue our lives, dedicating some of the more peaceful moments to them and trying our best to keep the memories alive. God Bless

Wind River Ranger said...

You were missed. You are loved by many who just know you from your words. Welcome back.

GamegetterII said...

Hey Angel
Good to see you post again.
Hope you keep writing,sometimes it helps.

Ogrrre said...

Hey, Angel. It's good to hear from you again. You always make WC's blog a bit brighter when you give him a hearty "fuck you" when he rags about your driving/parking skills. And there have been so many posts where I expected to see you ragging on him about putting the plug in his boat. Losing a loved one in death is always hard, and some days are harder than others. My mother died - good Lord, it's been nearly 2 decades ago, and some days I really miss her, still. My close friends and I like to pun, and we come up with some really terrible-good ones sometimes. They are even better when I can see Mom just roll her eyes at how bad it was. Remember the good times, Angel. It keeps you close to your loved one, and makes the loss less devastating.

Anonymous said...

We've missed you dearly! I'm so glad you're feeling better. When we loose someone we love, the hole they leave in our lives never goes away. Sometimes a memory triggers more pain and tears. Sometimes for no reason at all. That's okay, it's proof we loved greatly. Given enough time to mourn, we survive and continue on, loving the ones we have left with us. I wish you peace and happiness, now and in the future.

Luap57 said...

Hi Angel, welcome back, you are missed. You're such a wise and funny person, we all suffered with your loss. You and you're family are in our prayers.

Stretch said...

Hugs and "Welcome Back" from Virginia.

Censusdesignatedplace said...

Good to hear from ya.
BTW,
That old boy in Tennessee has been a kinda rough on redheads lately. I think he may need a little talkin' to...

Anonymous said...

Back to stay, we hope?
I can't imagine going through what you've been through.
Hugs and warm thoughts from the CC family.

Putz said...

Angel, It just passed two years since I lost mine. I do laugh, I do live, but the pain is always just beneath the surface. I cry when I read your posts because I feel the pain you feel and I also live it each day. Time heals all pain is what they say... I think that is a lie when it comes to losing children. We learn to function with the pain but it will always be there in the dark of night or in the sight or sound of something that brings the memories rushing back. We go on living because we have to. I still get up and put on my shoes and go to work and I still try to be a good father and husband, but sometimes after I go to bed and my wife is asleep, I still cry for the loss of my son, and I will cry for your daughter.

Brad said...

Thank you for sharing your pain and insight. I have not lost someone this close to me and so I can't say I understand, but I can say that I pray God will continue to grant you a measure of peace and happiness while never forgetting your loss. As I get older I find that what I am saying most is that "Life is full of hellos and good-byes" and as you get older, the good-byes dominate. Yet, I still find there are times for new hellos to experiences and people that enrich me. BTW, hello again.

Glenda T Goode said...

When we have the kind of pain you have experienced the only thing that allows it to ease up and eventually fade is time and by living our lives again.

Sharing pain with loved ones helps us confront the reality of loss. It is only through this reality we can find our way again and rebuild our lives with what is left.

New memories fill the holes left by loss. I tend to think we love a little harder and care a little more once we have experienced this process.

You will find joy in your life again once you have let go of the pain. Once you make this turn, you will find the good in your past again and be able to live building on that.

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad to see you here again! Grief can take a long time for us to overcome. It was much the same for me, when my younger sister died in April 1996. I firmly believe it will become less burdensome for you, in the future. Thank you for connecting with us again.

Bayouwulf

Boilerdoc said...

Good bless you angel.

Grog said...

Good to see some words from you, Angel, and good to know you're still here.

Anonymous said...

As you can see from the comments, you have a lot of online friends who care about you.
The heart works on its own timeline, and that includes healing.
I lost 5 family members over the course of 2 years about 40 years ago.
Know that love will still find a way in the healing.
- Frank

pigpen51 said...

Angel,
I really can't think of any wisdom to give you here, except that I am so glad that you found a good counselor to help you deal with some of the pain and emotions that you found yourself thrust into. I know that one of the hardest things in my entire life to do was to go to a counselor who was very good, and helped me to deal with issues that went back all the way to when I was a young person.
We are all simply glad that you found your way back here, even if you just post here in starts and stops, until you are able to find the right pace for yourself.
And also know that many of us continue to pray for you and your family, that you will find peace.
tim

RDB said...

Hello Angel, thanks for stopping in to say hi and let us know how you are doing. It may get easier, but it never goes away. Just remember there are people in your life that are willing to share the grief and help you through it. They need you to help them as well.

Please drop in from time to time to let us know how you are.

Critter said...

It's good to hear from you again. Please stop by more often.

STxAR said...

I just checked your blog a week or so ago. Got a super strong urge to pray for you a while back. I never ignore those. So I prayed hard for you guys.

Thanks for the update... take care...

Wolfplus3 said...

Good to hear from you again. You have been missed. I hope and pray you and yours gain the strength you need to carry on with life until you are all reunited once again. God bless and keep you.

Tree Mike said...

Hello Angel, glad you're back. You were greatly missed. Coming out of lurkerdom to welcome you back. It helped that you would occasionally check in through Nuckledraggen, but your blog is it's own unique destination. Tree Mike

Judy said...

Good to read you are beginning to see over the edge of the abyss. Yah, that guilt thing really messes with your head. When I look back, I shake my head at some of the gyrations my brain went through to cope with my daughter's death. I will keep praying for you and yours.

oldawg said...

Thanks for catching us up.Hope to see you here again.

Anonymous said...

Good to have you back.
jack

KM said...

Angel is back? Excellent!

That's when I sought grief counseling.
Good move. It never gets "easy" but it can stop being paralyzing.

GCMC said...

Welcome back, Angel
We've missed you...

Anonymous said...

Hi, you have been missed. Nice to see you again.

Highlander (no more...)

Sedition said...

There's my favorite redhead. Welcome back!

Anonymous said...

We wish you "fair winds and following seas" and the peace of mind to enjoy them someday soon. Sarah would want that for you, I think......

H

Cederq said...

Hey ya good looking redhead, I am so joyed you have come back to give us joy and share in your life, can't wait to get the first 'Ya ain't to old for a spanking" speech.

Leigh said...

Good to hear from ya, Darlin'.

Leigh
Whitehall, NY

I Remember Peter said...

I've always enjoyed reading your posts. Welcome back.

Jason said...

It's good to hear from you again. I have kept you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you are able to stop in more often.

Anonymous said...

glad to hear from you

Anonymous said...

It’s nice to hear from you.

BWBandy said...

Nice to have you back.

Gromit said...

Stay safe, post often and know we all care about you.

Tom in NC said...

Was just thinking about you the other day - as I saw a video of a woman trying to park a car (unsuccessfully!). :-)
Welcome back - hope to read some more from you soon

darren said...

Hi i'm, glad you are still kickin'. i'm ready for you to be back, I read Wirecutter, and Irish and a few others as well. i am ready for your return.

Larry said...

It's good to know you're making a comeback. I've been told that the traditional Jewish period of mourning us one full year. Not that you ever stop grieving, but that it takes a full year to really come to grips with the loss of a loved one and to begin to live again, however haltingly. I doubted that until my father passed away. It took about a year before I really got a handle on it (I thought I did a couple of times before then, but then realized I hadn't -- the third time I was right). Best wishes from an old, long-time reader who'd been rather worried for you and yours.

Anonymous said...

Welcome back.
I've kept you in my active bookmarks, waiting.

-rightwingterrorist

Anonymous said...

Angel, we are so glad to see you posting again, if not only every once in a while. I'm glad to hear Life is becoming more normal and that your family is healing. I hope that continues.

Anonymous said...

We love you Angel. Regardless of anything else.

- Bacon

Paulie said...

Angel, glad to see that you're working out your grief. I can't imagine the pain and pray to God I never have to. Looking forward to you posting again!

emtgene said...

Dear Lady, we love you and your family. I've missed your posts. I know the pain of loss and grief. My beloved Deanna has been gone 14 months and I am just now beginning to feel human again. Love your husband, your daughter, and yourself. You are not to blame. I will continue to pray for you and your family. God bless.

Anonymous said...

Angel, welcome back.....looking forward to new posts and new adventures. Say hi to Jay for us here in East Texas.

Firebird said...

Welcome back...

Anonymous said...

Glad to see you’re back.