Monday, May 4, 2015

What do women want? Introducing the Dad Body

Okay, we women are very aware that you dudes like hot female bodies. You like to ogle, and that's just fine. But deep down, we also know a lot of you have much differentastes when it comes down to reality. We're the same in our tastes and preferences. Yes we'll ogle this:

But in reality, what we really find attractive is this:

Behold the Dad Bod. An average male body, not ripped, love handles, beer belly, strong and comfortable. So why are women drawn to the DadBod? A couple of good reasons:
  1. We just don't wanto work thahard. I mean, seriously, if our men are spending so muctime working out, measuring and weighing food, and posing, we feel compelled to participate. Great looking bodies take a lot of maintenance and upkeep, and frankly we're exhausted. Family, home, work, and then hours of working out? Unless you're a movie (porn) star, ain't nobody really gotime for that.
  2. We don't want a man who is higher maintenance than we are. It's fucking intimidating; and while there are some very self-confident, self-actualized women outhere, most of us have major body image issues. We're attracted to men who we won'have to worry about leaving us when childbirth rearranges our figures.
  3. We all want a fucking bacon cheeseburger and beer every now and then. Guilt free. And donuts.
Now here's where you dudes really score. Who is athe forefront of the Dad Body movement? Young women, college girls. Yeah, y'all have got it made. We ALL want your hot Dad Bods. Young chicks, middle aged chicks, Old Widow Kelly up the street, we're all watching you rock your love handles as you wash your trucks in the driveway every weekend. Yeah, you know who you are, strutting up and down the lawn, sweat rolling down your undeveloped pecs and abs, as you mow the grass. You smokin' hot Dudes.

And just in case you were wondering how to get your own lust worthy DadBod, I'm giving you a sample meal plan for your DadBod Diet.

Day 1:
Breakfast: Orange Gatorade and a Clif bar
Snack: Protein powder mixed into spoonful of JIF spread on one slice of white bread.
Lunch: two burritos of choice and a Wendy's Frosty (no fries for dipping).
Snack: two thirds bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and two beers of choice.
Dinner: Six slices of a large Papa John's pepperoni pizza and three beers of choice. Whiskey is an acceptable substitute.

Day 2:
Workout Day, heavy on the protein to maximize results of bowling or pick-up basketball, or hunting, you know.
Breakfast: Bacon, egg and cheese sandwich with extra bacon, coffee and orange Gatorade.
Snack: Chocolate milk
Lunch: Buffalo wings and cheese sticks, pitcher of beer of choice.
Snack: Leftover pizza
Dinner: Chipotle burrito bowl with double steak, sour cream, corn, pico, cheese, guacamole, and a large Coke.


John Varga said...

That's right, widow Kelly,
Pop those false teeth out and show me who's your daddy now.

Anonymous said...

The above post makes lots of sense. As long as Dad keeps it real and doesn't get way heavy and stays in decent shape, Mom is happy. Just enough to keep her friends a little jealous but not enough to convince them to jump his bones.

I remember years ago having a ripped body like the 1st picture. 192 pounds, 6'-1" and pretty ripped. Holy shit - THAT was work!

I was in college full time w/ no job, so it was school and home time. Other then the shopping, car maintenance and studying, it was two hour a day work outs six days a week. Food intake - I would gain weight eating pizza after 12 p.m. (wouldn't have time to burn it off). Looked good - yeah, but it was miserable. Sure rocked that mullet though, lol.

Anonymous said...

Guy number one is likely gay, so it doesn't matter if you like looking at them.

Volfram said...

But I WANT to look like Major Armstrong.

I want to do it for meeeeeeeeee!

Anonymous said...

What's a clif bar?

Leigh said...

OK, so maybe some women aren't obsessed with how a guy looks; but they still go for losers, abusers, and assholes.
Before I got married, I really got sick of hearing, "I wish I could find a guy like you". Yet you weren't their "type" if you asked them out. Looking back on how some of them turned out, all I can say now is - THANK GOD!

Whitehall, NY

Able said...

Yeh? And the corollary is that “Most men want a woman with a mom-body”?

Contrary to popular myth men actually like women with curves, care to compare women in a fashion magazine with those in a 'mens' one? The only men who 'say' they do are usually sixteen, are bending to peer-pressure, media indoctrination and so only saying what they think they're supposed to say – and even they prefer normal girls in reality.

Whilst there 'are' women who naturally have the supposed 'idealised' figure genetically (when they're sixteen) any woman who has it forty (after two/three kids) is going to be a nightmare to be anywhere near.

Would you date/marry someone who needs eighteen hour a day gym sessions, eats half a lettuce leaf and a glass of water every two days and has more plastic parts (bits removed, altered, re-sited) than the barbie doll she's pretending to be?

And just don't start me on the women who wear enough make-up to repaint the Forth road bridge (just to answer the door).

Women, on the whole, are hypergamous. They are attracted 'up' to the guy with status, money, the baddest tatt or whatever they percieve 'up' as. In parts of Africa being fat is seen as a sign of wealth, so the fat guys get all the babes (who they then fatten up so as to show how wealthy they are - no seriously).

Anonymous said...

ken is gay, barbie is lesbian...curves are HOT.....bring on the real people..

vaquero viejo