Thursday, October 20, 2016

A deeper explanation

I have two aging parents I adore who aren't doing well.
Both are willing to go down in a pile of smoking brass to defend the Constitution.
This makes me as proud as it worries me.

I have two cute chicks with autism who are really two young adults with autism.
I'm struggling with the transition. TQ is already out of school and we don't have a transition
for her; BQ is just two years away. And with the state of the country, I don't know what will
be available for them in the future. I'm prepping my ass off.

I'm taking the technical writing course through UCSC Extension; I have to become marketable.
It's time consuming, challenging, but I love it. I really wish I'd found this path two decades ago.
My brain is struggling to reboot. Some days I get it, some days I feel like an absolute idiot.

I see what's happening to my country and I feel helpless, hopeless, and furious. It's like watching a high-speed wreck in agonizingly slow motion knowing you can't stop it, can't change it, you'll just have to wade through the smoldering wreckage, picking up whatever is left that can be used to rebuild. And right now, I don't know if I have it in me to rebuild. I'm so tired.

Life is dragging me down like a puma on a lame wildebeast. I'm tired down to my soul. So when I find something decent to post, something that speaks to what's left of my soul, and the only commentary is about a fucking typo, something that I could normally shrug off, I don't know. I just can't. I wish I could, but I can't anymore. I'm sorry.


Heathen said...

No need for you to apologize. If you need time to regroup. Do so.
I'm not the only one to mention this to you.
Sometimes it may seem that the weight of the world is upon your shoulders,when all is needed is to set it aside for a time

Cederq said...

Like my last post, go grab a beer, walk outside to punch the wall. You are strong, adaptable and courageous, you will persevere. You have friends on here that they too understand and know your tribulations. They will listen, they will advise when you ask and they will stand with you. To lose you is to lose something good, something tangible for us, you blog mates.

Bluesgal said...

I get it because when you said this:

I see what's happening to my country and I feel helpless, hopeless, and furious. It's like watching a high-speed wreck in agonizingly slow motion knowing you can't stop it, can't change it, you'll just have to wade through the smoldering wreckage, picking up whatever is left that can be used to rebuild. And right know, I don't know if I have it in me to rebuild. I'm so tired.

You said EXACTLY what is on my mind.

You are not alone. We all need to support each other if we are to survive the ride with any semblance of sanity.

Terry said...

i identify with your parents. Keep on keeping on. And prepping. Fuck the trolls. You do what you think is best for you.

Granny said...

Oh Angel, I feel so sad that you are struggling to cope with the burdens that life is throwing at you.
You definitely need a break.
Try to remember the things that make you happy and learn to ignore the bullshit.

Steve_in_CA said...

Do what Tam did and close comments. We can always reach you through Kenny and he won't tolerate trolls.

Peter said...

Angel, I understand and sympathize. I haven't had your exact problems, but I've had more than enough of my own, as bad as and worse than yours.

I'd like to share with you how I learned to cope, and carry on with each day as it came; but it's not really the sort of thing I can put in a blog comment. If you'd like to talk, either by e-mail or by phone (or by visit - I live only three hours from you now), drop me a line (my e-mail address is in my blog profile). I think it might help.

God bless.

Peter (aka Bayou Renaissance Man).

drjim said...

I agree with Steve_in_CA....just close the comments.

Like he said, those of us who know Kenny can reach you if we need to.

Post what you want, whether it's a rant, a rave, or just " went really well".

Like Phlegm Fatale says, "I'm not whining, I'm unburdening".

And as we used to say in Days of Old..."Keep the faith, baby!"....

Old Surfer said...

Thanks so much for your place on the net. It is the first place I go when the rest of the web is just too heavy or gloomy. You and Wirecutter simplify and add lightness. Aloha, Old Surfer

Eastwood said...

Sometimes you just have to say fuck it. Anyone that cares about you will understand. You are one of 5 sites that I visit every morning and evening and will be missed. As far as typo guy....I hope he is in your handbag. Eastwood

East Of The Pecos said...

I also agree with Steve. Block the comments!
Take the time you need to regroup. I'll miss the hell out of your posts, but I'm certain that you'll be back before too long. You have a gift for writing and I'm fairly certain that you'll eventually get the itch should you decide to walk away.
And to the heartless spelling Nazi: go fuck yourself! I'm as pedantic as anyone about spelling and grammar, but calling someone out on their own blog for someone else's error is just lame.

Anonymous said...

Hang in there, take a break if needed. You cheer me up.

Anonymous said...

I have enjoyed your blog, take care of you and yours first! Thanks, you are an inspiration.
Tim K.

Anonymous said...

I read your website every day. You help lighten my load. I also have 2 on the spectrum . Take the time you need. Don't let the jack wagons get you down!!!

Pineslayer said...

Family comes first. I will continue to visit and if there is nothing new, I will check in tomorrow, and so on. Love your blog, share it often. Take some time off, re-energize.


Jennifer said...

I hear you. I wake up as tired as when i went to bed. I pray we all get through.

Anonymous said...

I also hope that you keep on blogging - its a favorite morning read of mine. If you have to close comments, thats fine (although a lot of good material will be missed).

Family issues - yeah, I hear that. My Dad passed away in '97 and Mom is having health issues that may or may not be curable. She is game though, and if it comes to facing the end, is ready for that too.

My son, diagnosed as autistic PDD is in 2nd year of high school senior, is taking 1/2 day class, 1/2 day job vocations by various companies. My wife and I too are having trouble finding what he will do to stay occupied after graduation the end of next year. I don't think he has the concentration for attending college on his own - he will need a shadow. Just getting into the SS system and the rules of what his stipend will cover / not cover. Way too much information for me, but I'm Dad and have to cowboy up.

Take care of yourself and your family and hopefully, things will find their level. A person can do only so much.

Geretha 'Jeep' Zea said...

Angel, your writing is one reason I began. I don't have a blog, just a FB page, but I have made my views clear over the last eight years. Reading you and Wirecutter is the morning ritual and I love it.
I have a friend who has a daughter, Miss Stacey, that is developmentally challenged, non verbal and physically able though delicate. She is 20 and needs constant supervision, instruction. Thankfully, the family is financially able to keep her in school. Every day is a struggle but they are determined to give her a normal life. I remain awed by their dedication and joy in making her world positive and enriched. Their love and dedication is infectious and flows from them to all their friends and family. I feel incredibly blessed to be their friend.
I also feel blessed to be able to read your blog and wonder how in the world you have managed to keep your two young ladies in school, learning and developing. You and my friends were chosen to carry what others may feel a burden. You actually demonstrate the greatest part of being a parent, it's complicated, but The Man Upstairs has chosen well.
Never give up, my friend, your struggles make you stronger. Take a break, close comments or whatever. Do what makes you happy.

WiscoDave said...

Agree with many above.
Block the comments.
Post whatever you wish just to let us know you're still alive.
We've all come to know and love you, over time, through this blog and other interactions. And also your parents and daughters - we care about/love them too.
Your "not posting" won't/can't change that . Not at all.

Dennis Roe said...

slow down and breathe deep. we're all overwhelmed and overthinkin about shit we can't control. I keep trying to deconstruck, simplify and concentrate on the present task at hand, even if its digging a posthole. doesn't always work but I'm still tryin. walk the dog somewhere with few people and more animals. hang in and hang on.

Notenki said...

Keep the Faith !

Anonymous said...

Hey, Friend- the next time you are in your Dr's office for a checkup have him/her check your Vitamin D level. Makes a world of difference in outlook and energy. At least it helps this 80 y.o. Love and prayers, Julia

Notenki said...

Keep the Faith !

Notenki said...

Keep the Faith !

D S Craft said...

C'mon lass, buck up. You can do it. I'm 65 and I've lost track of how many times life knocked me flat on my ass. But you know what? You pick yourself up one more time, dust yourself off, and throw another punch. It may not be the strongest punch in the world but you throw it with all you got. Believe me when I tell you that if I can do it, *anybody* can do it. And you can do it because you've got more grit than I do. I understand all too well what you're saying regarding family and country, but somehow we'll get through this and that includes you. Just know that you're not alone. You've got a whole lot of people trudging along right beside you that care for you. As for the ankle biters, ignore 'em. Just let it roll off you like water off a ducks back. Their snark says way more about them than it does about you and your readers know that. And, as I said earlier, if you need to step away from this then step away. Come back when you're ready or don't come back at all. You're not obligated to do this but you are pretty good at it. It's folks like you and Ken that help me get through *my* day.

Anonymous said...

pick your fights, and your venues, and fight on, warrior woman.....

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