Monday, August 26, 2013

Light dawns in the forest

I have a really bad habit. I have to know why. I have to examine and do post-mortems on everything to figure out WHY. I have had many people I know, love and respect tell me to chill the fuck out and stop overthinking things. And now I have a professional backing all my friends.

I learned today the difference between "clean pain" and "dirty pain". Clean pain is what you feel when something bad happens, a breakup, a betrayal, a death. It is clean and pure emotion designed to cleanse the heart and soul. If you let it. If you let yourself go through the hell, open yourself to it, feel it, experience it, let it roll through you and then let it go. Holding on to the pain isn't going to change what caused it, and holding on turns it to "dirty pain".

We dirty up our pain when we deny it, examine it, try to justify it, excuse it, question it. Everything but feel it. I am an extreme avoider. I hate conflict, I hate extreme emotions. It's like puking, I'll do anything to avoid puking. I'll do anything to avoid pain. And like puking, it just prolongs it and makes it worse. I'm not helping myself by asking questions I will never get answers to. Why? Why did he betray me? Why didn't he love me enough? What is wrong with me? Why aren't I enough? What more could I have done to change it? What could I have done to prevent it? Why???? I was told today that each time I ask these questions, it's like pulling the scab off my soul and poking it with a dirty stick. Then when I can't take the pain anymore, I avoid it by putting a band aid on it and pretending it's not there. I've been doing this for six years.

So this is my lesson today. Sometimes, no matter what you do or how hard you try, you get hurt because you can't control what another person does; and some people just aren't very nice. And when you are hurt, feel it, accept it, let it move through you and let it go. Questioning it or ignoring it isn't going to change what happened to cause it.
 

25 comments:

Anonymous said...

I like the graphic. Believe it.
Terry
Fla.

Wraith said...

It's been six years.

STOP THAT.

You deserve better than what you're doing to yourself. To paraphrase Scripture, "Shit happens to the just and the unjust." And it's NOT your fault.

You can't control anyone but yourself...so do what you can with what you have.

Love ya...!

Ken aka fht451 said...

I understand what you mean. It ain't easy some times but you do have to let it pass or it will destroy you. I say this even though I still have some of the destructive thoughts from some past and current events. FIGHT ON DON'T LET IT WIN!

Unknown said...

Oh, Honey!!! Sending you good thoughts and energies and prayers and hugs! I am walking right there beside you! Believe your graphic! It is very, VERY true!!

Meredith
Oklahoma

Anonymous said...

You are something of an innocent; You trusted. That makes you the kind of person he can never be , or even understand. Yes having someone use you sucks, having been made a fool is worse. But don't give up on us just yet, there are still real men in the world who can love you and your girls. Strong honest men who do not betray. Good night sweetie . And remember this like all storms will pass----Ray

Unknown said...

Oh, Honey!!! Sending you good energies and thoughts and prayers and hugs!!! I am walking right there with you, Angel. One foot in front of the other is the only thing we can do. Take care of yourself!

James Butler said...

If you believe you are alone in this big time turbulence in your life, You'll be crushed under its failed humanity and collapse ALONE with broken heart, body and soul...

Angel, can I buy a Cross? And invite Jesus and his Father into you heart? You'll never be alone again. And you'll be surprise how far you will go in your life, before he calls you back...

How can I make you understand you don't walk alone when you walk with the MIghty Lord. If you choose His Son, and accept the Mighty Lord in your heart and soul as your Lord Savior, you never walk alone ever again... and the places you will go in your life..
In a few years you'll be amazed how far you have walked with him... And when your time comes to go back home, you'll already be of HIm...

Stay Strong. And pray with me... Love Always...

Old Richard said...

Oh my Dear;
I will have to to disagree, In my near 70 years I have learned that by puking you do not prolong the pain but you rid yourself of it. If you have gone to bed and the room is spinning, hell babe, just go puke and then be to sleep. Puking removes all the bad shit in your system. So I say
puke that dude up---Close the lid---
flush--- and get on with life.

taminator013 said...

You trusted the wrong person and got burned. Happens to all of us. It takes a long time to let go of the anger and pain. Unfortunately, it's part of life. There is nothing wrong with you. He is the one that has something wrong. You are more than enough. You couldn't have done anything to change it. You will survive and be stronger for it. And we love you whether you realize it or not...........

Phil said...

I suggest you pop a couple of FUCKITALL's and call me in the morning.

RabidAlien said...

BTDT. First wife ran off with a guy she met while we were still engaged. She just didn't want to call off the wedding and embarrass her family...guess divorce was the less painful route for her. Spent quite a while doing the "what did I do wrong" game. Finally figger'd out that sometimes we DON'T ever get the answer to "Why?", even if we have the opportunity to ask the offending party directly (I did...didn't get an answer that didn't hurt tremendously). Looking back on the past, dwelling on the mistakes made and the abuses visited upon us doesn't help our future any. As any student of history can tell you, there's a fine line between learning from the past, and being stuck in it. Use the lessons learned, make the pain useful. Don't stop trusting, just be more careful whom you decide to give that trust to...and realize that we're all human and will all make mistakes and will all betray someone at some point. But true friends look beyond that and are capable of forgiveness. Not sayin you need to go out and forgive-and-forget your ex (hard to forget that sort of heartache)...just realize that, as Ray said, there are still guys out there who get this and who will love you and your girls for who you are, scars and all.

Grog said...

All the replies are good, but I'll give a +1 to Wraith, mentally and emotionally beating yourself into the mud is not the way to live. Having never met you or him, I'll still suggest he's a self centered asshole, and it's unfortunate you gave some of your years to him, but you're better off without him. It's time for you to enjoy life again, let the hurt fade.

Grog said...

Edit: when I typed the first comment, there were only five other replies. Don't want to be mis-read, everyone has good words.

hiswiserangel said...

You all have wonderful words and I appreciate each and every one of you.

Anonymous said...

Angel been there and I agree with everyone, you need to be happy and sometimes that means to move on.. it is not a easy road but you will feel a weight lifted off... I'm always here for ya :) "Hugs"

Mark12A said...

As I'm not a christian, I don't do the whole "praying" thing. However, I do believe that our fate is fixed, and how we face our fate determines the true course of our lives. Our fate is woven from golden threads and dark threads. The dark threads are the bad shit that invades your life. But sometimes one of those dark threads turns golden.

What did you do wrong, you ask. How about, nothing. Why were you "not enough"? Maybe you were enough, and it was him, not you, that was lacking. Maybe he's just an asshole and in the weeks and months to come you'll understand you were better off without him.

Like the line in one of my favorite movies goes (sort of), your fate is fixed. Hide in a hole if you like, but that won't change your fate. Face the rest of your life with the courage, strength, and beauty that you so obviously possess. You've got a lot of fans.

If that doesn't work, feed the asshole to the hogs and make him something useful, like bacon.

Anonymous said...

Can you ask your therapist what you do if this hurt is your mom?.... although you want to be kind the old 'why's' haunt you and the new one's
piss you off...stab, wipe, repeat

Anonymous said...

Can you ask your therapist what you do if this hurt is your mom?.... although you want to be kind the old 'why's' haunt you and the new one's
piss you off...stab, wipe, repeat

RabidAlien said...

@Mark12A: "13th Warrior"! I think you're the second person I know who actually admits to liking that movie (btw...WTF ever happened to the guy with the goofy grin and leather helmet who sorta disappears after the scene where they're setting off for the cave?)!!!

Now back to our regularly scheduled HWA-Uplift thread...

Angel eyes said...

Mark12A read my mind, for the most part. Except for, "you have a lot of fans". You don't need fans! When that realization hits you, you'll bust out like The Hulk and take on the world...

hiswiserangel said...

What I have, Angel eyes, is a lot of good friends. :-)

Angel eyes said...

Friends is better.
I have to switch out of rant mode and go to cruise. :)

Angel eyes said...

Friends is better. One here.
I gotta switch out of rant mode and back into cruise.

hiswiserangel said...

Big hug, deep breath, relax.

Angel eyes said...

Listening to Jr. Brown play surfer tunes on the git-tar. Wow.